Abuse is like Shoes

“Abusive behavior erodes a person slowly. Imagine a pair of shoes whose soles are so worn there are holes in each. When they came out of the box fresh and new no one would have imagined their tatted state. Yet over time, it happens; they are walked on day in and day out, feet dragged and scuffed, tread marks over pavement, which wears down the layers until one day later they are not recognizable.”

-Elin Waldal, “Tornado Weather: A Memoir of Teen Dating Violence and It’s Effect on a Woman’s Life”

I've had this pair of converse since I was in seventh grade. I remember the day I finally talked my mother into getting them for me-- they were the start of my whole collection of converse. To this day, I collect and wear this awesome brand of shoes, but this, my first pair, has been put to the side. As you can probably see, they're dingy and falling apart. What you can't see is how horribly worn down the insides and bottoms are. 

I didn't buy these shoes falling apart. I certainly didn't buy the shoes expecting them to fall apart. Yet eventually the white bottoms grew dingy and the stripe at the side, for many years, had to be held on with tape and super glue and at one point wax because I absolutely refused to let them go. I feel, for me, Elin Waldal's comparison of an abusive relationship to the imagery of aging shoes is one easy to grasp onto. Maybe because the lifespan of these shoes nearly matched up with the lifespan of my high school relationship-- one that I can certainly classify as abusive. One that my counselors I saw after the relationship had ended classified as abusive. 

I remember in tenth grade, I was wearing these shoes. Three years of near everyday use-- I loved these shoes. At that point, I had gone through two years of my boyfriend slowly wearing down of myself. I can name the ways, mainly in words. You obviously don't love me if you won't have sex with me. Your friends are crazy. Your friends are just trying to break us up. You're crazy. You don't have any reason to be upset. Stop crying. You're too emotional. It was not a sudden change but a slow build up. My friends had slowly been dropping away. I was becoming isolated. No one said anything. Maybe because I didn't say anything, so they didn't know. But every now and then I would see someone look at my shoes and notice something was wrong. There were plenty of good shoes, why was I wearing a pair that was falling apart? Why was I clinging on to a fringing relationship?

I think this is something for everyone to consider. The why of the matter. It's something that I even ask myself now, looking back. And the answer is simple. I loved him. Or I thought as a fourteen-year-old girl that I loved him, that I even knew what love was. I didn't. But I told everyone that listened just how much I loved him, even after he trapped me in his truck and screamed at me, even when I started gaining weight because I was stress eating and so depressed that I wouldn't move unless I was forced. Because sometimes we have things so long that we can't bear to let them go. Just like I couldn't let go of a pair of shoes that I had since seventh grade that I would probably never wear again. I don't even think my parents really saw it, just the outer shell. A little dingy, not necessarily something to worry about. And how were they supposed to know that the soles of my shoes, the heart of my relationship, was slowly wearing away to a point it was painful? I didn't tell them and because they knew the act my boyfriend put on, they just thought it was a minor problem. The friends I had (or rather, the ones I had left) saw it this way, too. Or maybe they were just afraid how I would react if they told me it was time to toss the shoes.

I don't really know. But what I do know is this: we aren't told about teen abuse often enough. Parents don't know what to look for. So, here are a few signs that LoveIsRespect.org gives to help parents out: 

• Your child’s partner is extremely jealous or possessive.
• You notice unexplained marks or bruises.
• Your child’s partner emails or texts excessively.
• You notice that your child is depressed or anxious.
• Your child stops participating in extracurricular activities or other interests.
• Your child stops spending time with other friends and family.
• Your child’s partner abuses other people or animals.
• Your child begins to dress differently.

One of the points made later on this site, if you believe your teen is being abused, is to avoid ultimatums. Towards the end, when my parents started to see there were real problems, they did a good job of this in particular along with showing concern and talking about the behavior rather than the person. One of the most important things to remember is that if someone is holding onto something that is hurting them, they probably at least think there is love there. At a time in life where rebelling is standard, you don't want to tell a teen what to do directly. Even if a significant other is tearing them apart, they need to come to that decision by themselves. Otherwise, a teenager will find a way to do what they want, the parents just won't know about it anymore. That only leads an added layer to the isolation a victim of abuse may already be going through. 

Looking back, I see my relationship as complacency, a result of being told no one would ever want me. But, eventually, I decided that 'no one' would be better than what I had, a relationship that was emotionally abusive, a relationship that hurt me, a relationship that coerced me into things I didn't want. It's been two years since then. I got rid of my abuser-- and while that wasn't the full end of the story, it was the beginning of my new chapter. As for the shoes, they still have a special place in my closet as they await their part in a future project, but I don't wear them. Instead of constantly fixing them and waiting for everything to fall apart again, I have a nice new pair I'm happy wearing. They don't hurt, they're comfortable on my feet. A good show that if something isn't working-- if it hurts in any way-- it may be time to toss the old and invite in the new.