Reflections of a Mother: Warning Signs

Contributed by Pam Cash, mother of the blogger. 

Parents sometimes have vibes about things. Though it took a while, and I was not sure what my vibes were about, I did start paying more attention than usual to things that seemed a bit off during my daughter’s relationship as a teenager. I did not know that what I was getting were bigger hints of something wrong when the abusive relationship came to its worst point for my daughter. I want to go over the signs I saw over a four-plus year period and talk a little about them. In doing this, I hope I help parents gain knowledge about abuse that may be able to spot it in relationships teenagers might be in. This is not just someone else’s problem— it can happen to you or a friend.

There are things you might not think of as a problem, things that could be small signs of abuse. If you start noticing small things, I suggest that you start writing them down. Just do it, because one day it could be useful to have an account of everything you have seen your child go through and it could help you notice patterns that might start to occur. I wish I had this advice. I wouldn’t have forgotten the odd behavior when things seemed better and I wouldn’t have ignored the friend who tried to kindly tell me she thought something might not be right with my daughter’s relationship or the one who would call to tell me little things going on. Some of the things I was told seemed so out there. But isn't that what abuse is? It is kind of absurd to imagine it can really be happening under your nose, but it can.
Here are the signs I want you to be aware of... And please note that while I use male pronouns for the abuser and female pronouns for the abused, it could happen the other way around—this is just taken from my experience with my daughter and her abuser.

• Jealousy that starts out as what kids think is cute but starts to be out of control over the years.
• Controlling behavior, he isn't happy about her school trips. He doesn't like that study group. He does not like that friend, he doesn’t think she should wear that shirt. 
• Extreme fear of death. It is natural to fear death, but when it is something that seems extreme there can be more to it.
• Extreme and unreasonable fear of a disease such as cancer. Worried about many health issues that should not be a concern at such a young age.
• Silent treatments that become obvious. This I now know is a form of punishment abusers use often.
• Putting people down behind their back.
• Claiming girls are stalking and/or harassing him by text and calls, but never seems to do anything about it, such as blocking.
• Your child's friends are all but gone, all she really has is him to talk to now. This is isolation.
• Other parents call you to complain about his behavior towards their kids, yours, or others.
• Your child has anxious tendencies/anxiety where she didn’t before.
• Your child stays in her room and is less involved with family activities.
• She stops wearing makeup because makeup means she is wanting attention.
• He gets upset if she decides to do something fun like a school pageant. He says she might trip on stage or embarrass herself. Chalks it up to caring about her
• He makes her fear things like rape if she goes on a school trip.
• She seems depressed where she didn’t before.
• She starts telling him she has too much homework, so he can’t come over.
• She asks her parent not to let them be alone because he’s in a bad mood.
• She has YOU tell her he cannot come over.
• When he is over he leaves quickly when you tell him they need to stay where adults are.
• You suddenly realize he does not look you, the parent, in the eye. And he seems to pop in when you are not likely to be home.
• Towards the end, I can say I noted he always was trying to start an argument with her, even with me around. Small things were made to be big to him. Then it was a joke, or she is too sensitive.
• Weird outbursts of chuckling at things that were not funny, and seems to disturb her when it happens.
• Complaining or talking about his family making you feel sorry for him.
• Promising her to a fun night out only to say he can’t afford it or forgot at the last minute.
• Accuses her a cheating then acts like he is joking.
• Wants to marry right away after graduating and is pushy about it. 
• She tells you he has yelled at her. But she is more worried about him.
• He used to have conversations with you, the parent, but that ended, and you can’t recall when.

I look at my own list and I think I had to be crazy to not know. It took me months, and many conversations with others to realize that this was not my fault. Abuse is a slow process, and though it looks like it is revealed by the list I compiled, it is well hidden and controlled. Mind games are played, and people just don’t think about emotional abuse—which you can find out more about here. This list I made is not in any order, but I can tell you now if I had made this list— and even if some of the things at the time didn’t seem like a red flag or else discussed and blown (like it often was)— I definitely would have looked at this list. I would’ve been frightened by what I saw. These are a lot of red flags. The extremes happened toward the end of the relationship—my daughter had become severely depressed, had anxiety, and was obviously ready to put an end to everything but she was fearful and unsure how. Many things I noted were at the end when things all came down on Ashley—her abuser appeared to be trying to drive her crazy. This is how abusers work.