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Mythbusting Abuse : Is It Easy to Leave?

Usually, when I think of myths, I think of mythology. Greek or Roman or even Norse. When I think of myths, I think of things that were believed thousands of years ago, stories about Zeus turning his lover into a cow or Heracles' acts to please the goddess Hera. In high school, I was rather familiar with myths. I was in a club called Junior Classical League, and while the Latin language was the primary objective, culture and myths were my interests. I won a couple ribbons for mythology-- never first but never fifth either. Usually forth, if I'm honest. I still try to keep my knowledge growing. Last year, I took a semester class on the subject. I even have a book on Greco-Roman mythology that I crack open now and then.
What I don't think of when I hear the word myths is myths about abuse. Or at least, I didn't use to. The fact is that, as a survivor of abuse, I encounter a lot of people who discount my experience because 'if it was that bad, you could have left' and 'if he didn't hit you, how can you say you were abused?' These are two of the most common misconceptions about abuse-- or at least the ones I have encountered the most. With a little help from the book "Intimate" Violence Against Women: When Spouses, Partners, and Lovers Attack by Paula K. Lundberg-Love and Shelly Marmion, I plan to shine a bit of light on some of these myths both for the benefit of those who may not know the facts and do not understand the "intimate" abuse of relationships, and for the benefit of those who have been abused being told that it is their fault if they stayed, that their abuse 'wasn't that bad.'

Chapter Two of "Intimate" Violence Against Women is entirely about the myths that come with abusive relationships. In total, it covers ten. I want to go over each of these myths in turn, as well as others that I have heard myself, but right now I plan to just go over one of the mentioned ones-- the one that I think is one of the most heard and possibly one of the most hurtful to the women it's said to.

The first myth to cover is one I hear far too often: an abused woman can easily leave the situation. If it was that simple, I'm sure that stories like mine would be far fewer or else non-existent. And that would be amazing. I truly wish that this one was a fact, but sadly it isn't. This is an especially common belief in America because as the book puts it, "in the land of democracy and free will, people believe that an individual can make absolutely any choice he or she wants to make." That, of course, would include the ability to walk away from an abuser. But it is so much more difficult than just that. There are several 'barriers', as "Intimate" Violence Against Women puts it. The first of these is the significant risk to the woman's safety in leaving. Post-breakup, according to JoinOneLove.org, is the most dangerous period for an abused woman. In fact, the likelihood of being killed in the weeks after the breakup is 70%.  "Intimate" Violence Against Women raises those weeks to two years in cases where the victim lived with her abuser. However, if you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship trying to get out, here are some resources:


The cycle of abuse is also a large reason of why those in abusive situations stay. Think of the cloud cycle illustrations you more than likely saw as a child learning fifth-grade science. Evaporation, condensation, precipitation. The cycle of abuse is just as easy to understand, even though it's far more complex. It starts with an incident of abuse-- whether that be emotional, sexual, or physical-- and the relationship begins to deteriorate from there. In my own relationship, I can remember this cycle clearly. Most of the abuse I endured was emotional. It would start because I denied my abuser something, something so simple as I didn't want to watch what he did. It would spiral down, the abuse becoming more apparent in long periods of silence, suddenly not letting me talk but not letting me walk away either. Or he would shout at me if my parents weren't around. Or threaten to tell them things about our personal relationship if they were around. Usually, I would give in and just apologize, or do what he wanted. I was isolated, he was basically the only person I had to talk to and I didn't want him to be upset. Even after giving in, he would maintain the attitude. I would sit rigidly. I felt like if I made one wrong move, he would explode. It was like navigating across thin ice on a hot and sunny day. Any second, I would fall through. 

Of course, the cycle does let up eventually. The abuser apologizes, though this is usually undermined with victim blaming. You know I don't like you talking to them. Victim blaming, also known as gaslighting (something I could write a whole other article about), is another reason an abuse victim stays. When you have someone telling you everything is constantly your fault, breaking you down in a slow cycle like a river wearing a rock, you start to really believe it. You are suddenly the guilty party, it doesn't matter what the abuser did in your eyes. If you weren't so sensitive... If you didn't cry so much... Self-esteem is shot when you are in an abusive relationship. You can feel worthless because that's how you're treated. 

The calm is the part of the cycle that really will cement a victim back into the relationship after the abuse. Things go back to 'being good' no matter how short that is. He wouldn't be restraining me, grabbing my arm and tugging me back to the couch or holding around my waist so I couldn't leave. I remember distinctly during a 'calm' being given several different little gifts, being taken out more frequently, but usually, any promises that my abuser made during his apology fell flat. Still, every time he apologized for yelling I thought 'this is the last time.' 

In the current day and age, society has a large role to play in why women stay in abusive relationships. As a society, we are not well exposed to information about things like emotional abuse. And as pop culture glamorizes unhealthy relationships as well as 'ride-or-die' relationships, many young girls may see signs of emotional abuse as normal or that they just have to try harder in their relationship. As JoinOneLove.org puts it, "those in unhealthy or abusive relationships might stay with their partner or get back together after a break up because they feel pressure to not give up, forgive and forget or “ride it out.”" I know I certainly felt these pressures. I couldn't give up on a relationship I spent six months in when I was wearing a promise ring the summer before high school. At fourteen, that was a long time and I was going to stay with the guy I proclaimed to love after a couple of months. But those six months became four years and all I could think was how if I gave up then, that's four years down the drain. My first real relationships, all the childish wishes I had for it, gone. What would other people think? That very question is another one of the reasons victims of abuse stay-- they are afraid of how people will react. Victims do not want to be judged, pitied, or have what they've been through trivialized. They don't want to be called stupid for staying in an abusive situation.

Personally, I was scared of what my parents would say. I was scared of what my community would say if I came out and spoke up, what they would do if I asked for help and support. It's embarrassing to say that I stayed with someone who screamed at me, who flirted with my friends behind my back, who made me feel flawed in every sense of the word, and who made me do things I never wanted to do. But I've grown so much since the time when all of it happened, and I've seen the difference that hearing the voice of another survivor can make.

The point to understand when looking at why a victim stays with their abuser is that the victim has built a life with the abuser. Even in teen relationships, there is a certain level of 'life' within a high school. Because if a teen breaks up with an abusive boyfriend or girlfriend, any shared friends may suddenly be lost, and more than likely the victim doesn't have many friends of their own left. Not to mention any connection to the abuser's family will be broken and to some victims, this can be a tragic event. Teenagers have the uncanny ability to feel things tenfold with the hormonal changes they are going through.

The Myth: an abused woman can easily leave the situation.

The Fact: leaving an abusive situation is not only incredibly dangerous but also incredibly complex from the standpoint of the victim due to factors. 

As a final note, I will quote from JoinOneLove.org, because I think they put it best:

"...Blaming someone in an abusive relationship is never okay. There is a big difference between judgment and responsibility. While someone might have used bad judgment by staying in an unhealthy or dangerous situation, it does not mean that they are responsible, or asking, for the abuse perpetrated against them."

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