Staying Safe in a Breakup

Breakups are hard no matter which way you look at it. No one ever wants to break someone's heart, or walk away from time invested in a relationship. However, breakups usually aren't a threat to your personal safety and your life. In my post Mythbusting Abuse: Is it Easy to Leave? I talked about the significant risk to a woman's safety after a breakup. Post-breakup, according to JoinOneLove.org, is the most dangerous period for an abused woman. In fact, the likelihood of being killed in the weeks after the breakup is 70%.  "Intimate" Violence Against Women raises those weeks to two years in cases where the victim lived with her abuser. We see proof of this danger in the news, on shows like Dateline, all the time. So today, I want to talk about safely breaking up, and what to do after a breakup to stay safe.

Form a Support System

When I broke up with my abuser, it was something that wasn't planned. I hadn't talked to anyone to let them know, but as soon as my friends found out they were all surrounding me with their support-- and of course, my family was there for me, too. However, it is a good idea to tell your friends and family what is happening so they can help you along the way. Breaking up is hard, even if it is your step in getting away from an abuser-- it's an emotional connection and you may be seeing them more than family and friends. Your support system can help you transition into your new normal.

How Do I Break Up?

The biggest question when it comes to the actual breakup is if you do it in person or not. If you do not feel safe, there is absolutely in breaking up over text, email, or phone call. While some people may not like the idea of ending a relationship in an impersonal way, if it is the safer way, do it. My own breakup was in person, but if I could do it over again, I would have done it over the phone due to the fact I felt extremely threatened. The only reason I was able to go through with it in person was that my parents were upstairs, which leads me to say if you break up with your abuser, have someone-- either a friend or family member-- nearby and have your cell phone on you! Public places are the best to carry out an in-person breakup, for your own safety-- do not be convinced to go somewhere private. 

You do not have to give any reason or explanation for your breakup, you do not owe your abuser anything. It is not your job to try to reason with your ex, and there is not an explanation in the world that will satisfy them. When I was breaking up with my abuser, I tried to explain why and it only seemed to make things worse, leading to a long and stressful argument about how he 'couldn't be less jealous.' It didn't lead anywhere, and it would have been better to keep it quick.

Should I Cut Off Contact?

Yes. Be clear and firm that you do not want any further contact with your abuser. This is the best decision for yourself-- abusers can and will be persistent. Block them on social media, block their phone number, just block them. The first time I broke up with my abuser, he called me to beg me to take him back. If his number had been blocked, I would not have been sucked back in. Promises to change and not a reason to get back together, they are part of a toxic cycle.

If you go to school with your abuser, take the time to let a guidance counselor and/or teachers know, especially if you feel threatened. Walk with friends from class to class, take a different route to the classroom, take a break on extracurriculars you might share, and know a safe place to go if you have to wait to be picked up from school.

Your abuser may go so far as to attempt to come to your home after a break up to try to speak with you or confront you, even if you have made your position clear. If this happens, do not answer. No contact is for the best. Let your parents know if this could be a possibility, they will be able to help you and keep your abuser away from you.

If your ex threatens you in any way, keep an account of it-- whether it be texts, emails, direct messages on social media, or in person. If threats become a problem, or if you are simply concerned for your own safety for any reason, look into a protective order.

Should I Agree to Meet My Abuser After We Break Up?

Absolutely not, even if you have belongings that need to be exchanged. It does not matter if your abuser was never physically violent in the past, it is not something you should agree to or try to plan. Final meetings can be incredibly dangerous for a survivor, and it is how a lot of women end up being killed. As I said before-- the likelihood of being killed in the weeks after the breakup is 70%, you don't want to increase that possibility by seeking out the person who has hurt you. If you have some of your abuser's belongings, try to pass them back through a third party or just get rid of them. If they have yours, you may need to accept you will not get them back. There may be things left unsaid, but you can find your own closure without speaking to your abuser-- I can say that from personal experience. 

What Else Can I Do to Stay Safe?

Try to avoid isolated areas, whether in school or somewhere that you frequently go. If you can, change your routine or take a friend with you. If you hang out at Starbucks, try out a local coffee shop instead. If you frequent the library, drag your best friend along. The main thing is that-- for a few weeks-- you don't want to give your abuser any chance to approach you alone. And, in my experience, the change of routine can really help you as you define your new normal. After breaking up with my abuser, my routine changed drastically. But it helped. Sometimes the familiar is comforting, but something new can give a sense of change and growth that is very much needed after separating from an abuser. 

If you go to an event or party your ex may be attending, stay close to friends. Have important numbers saved or memorized in case you need to call a parent or friend if you are left by yourself and feel unsafe. Trust your instinct. If you feel like something is wrong, there's a chance that there is. Also be aware that campuses and some shopping centers will give police/security escort if you feel afraid or unsafe. On a campus, this can eliminate any chance of an ex trying to catch you off guard-- especially at night-- whether you need to go to your dorm, car, or a building across campus. At my campus and many others, there are also checkpoints located across the campus that will automatically call campus police. These kind of things are resources, do not be afraid to use them. 

And of course-- if you ever feel you are in any immediate danger, call 9-1-1. 

Further resources can be found at LoveisRespect.org or feel free to explore the rest of my blog-- you might find something helpful!

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If you know any organization (scouts, church, etc.) that would like to have me speak on Teen Dating Abuse, please contact me through my website here with your email address. To keep up with updates on this blog please feel free to hit the subscribe button in the top right corner to be alerted to new posts every Monday. Have something you would like to know more about in the future? Leave a comment and I'll do my best to answer right away! Remember, the first step in solving the problem of teen dating abuse is awareness!