Coercion can be used in other forms as well, in making women stay with their abuser or dropping charges, but I feel that sexual coercion is something that teenagers go through more and are unaware of. At sixteen, seventeen, eighteen-- who knows the term sexual coercion?
"It's a mixture manipulation, sweet talk, begging, blackmail, demanding sex as an obligation..." Chitra Raghavan explains in her talk on sexual coercion as she tries to draw the line between unwanted sex and coercion, between coercion and what is considered sexual assault. Sexual coercion, according to TheHotline.org, can also involve the victim being given drugs or alcohol to 'loosen' them up. It should be noted that some people do consider sexual coercion as an assault or even a form of rape-- but the law only considers it such when it is 'aggravated' sexual coercion, or when threats of violence or a weapon is used in the coercive tactics.
Some points that TheHotline.org gives about someone who is trying to use the tactic of coercion:
-Makes you feel like you owe them. This could be because they bought you a gift or because they've done something for you. It could be because you've had sex before with this person-- which never entitles them to any kind of further intimacy. In my case, it was because after four years it had never happened at all. "We'll be married soon anyway," was something I often heard.
-Gives you compliments that sound extreme or insincere as an attempt to get you to agree to something. If an abuser wants something, they usually will go through every hurdle in an attempt to get it. As Raghavan said, sweet-talk is one thing used in coercive control.
-Gives you drugs and alcohol to “loosen up” your inhibitions. If you are with someone who has been trying to coerce you, I would heavily recommend that you do not allow them to give you anything of this kind. You are in an altered state of mind when drinking or on drugs whether you recognize it or not.
-Plays on the fact that you’re in a relationship, saying things such as: “Sex is the way to prove your love for me,” “If I don’t get sex from you I’ll get it somewhere else.” Sex is not a statement of love, especially if you are being coerced into it. I jumped through hurdles to prove to my abuser that I loved him and that I was loyal-- it never amounted to anything. And as for the second quote used here "if I don't get sex from you I'll get it somewhere else," if this is being used against you then I recommend you leave. Saying that is leveling you down as good only for one thing, and you deserve better than that. Moreover, if someone threatens to cheat, they probably have the ability to do so. My own abuser didn't get what he wanted from me so he did find other means and continued to pressure me as well.
-Reacts negatively with sadness, anger or resentment if you say no or don’t immediately agree to something. Whenever my abuser came over to hang out, it was usually to try to get me to do something for him. When I refused, this usually stirred a lot of anger, and usually, he would leave almost immediately. This should have been a sign to me that my value had diminished in his sight-- I was good for one thing to him. Again, if you have a partner that does this, my advice would be to leave. Especially as a teenager, this is not something you should have to deal with. Whoever you are with should respect your decision without trying to sway you or get upset with you when you say 'no.'
-Continues to pressure you after you say no. I can't begin to count the number of times that I said 'no' within my relationship with my abuser. You would think once would be enough. I said no the first time when I was still fourteen. One thing I have learned, though, is that if someone tries to pressure you unrelentingly-- and at a time when you are vulnerable-- you're likely to eventually crack just to get it to stop, especially when it's mixed with other things such as a negative reaction and a feeling of obligation. This is why I continue to say if you are experiencing this, take it as a sign to run and run fast from the person doing it.
-Makes you feel threatened or afraid of what might happen if you say no. Towards the end of my relationship with my abuser, I did feel afraid of what might happen if I told him no. He seemed unpredictable to me, and he was much larger and stronger than I was. I began asking my mom to say I couldn't have him over or that we couldn't go downstairs. This made him angry, but he wouldn't try to fight my mom about it and I knew that. Usually, his anger was expressed towards me, but I was somewhere safe from any physical danger.
-Tries to normalize their sexual expectations: ex. “I need it, I’m a man.” This one was used quite often by my abuser. He used to tell me in sophomore year of high school that all of his friends had had sex, and I remember looking at him and saying his friends were probably lying. I remember him saying at one point it was something he needed and all I thought was 'you've gone this long without it.' No one needs sex, it isn't something required by a man or a woman, and not everyone has had sex. I used to tell him he should be proud to be a virgin and his self-control, but that was never the case.
"Sexual coercion is when the negotiation ends," is what Raghavan says in her podcast. And I think that's important to understand, especially for young people who don't have a way to understand what might be happening. Sexual coercion is abuse, and if you are suffering from it, you should quickly remove yourself from the situation. You do not deserve to go through that-- no one does. Consent should always be present in your relationship in every aspect, though I do urge you to wait for things like that. The risks are far more than you can manage, especially in high school. Please take care of yourself, take care of your heart, and respect your body even if it is hard to say 'no' after the third or tenth or thirtieth time a request is made. Have the respect for yourself to say no, to speak up for yourself, and to walk away from someone who doesn't care about what you have to say.
If you know any organization (scouts, church, etc.) that would like to have me speak on Teen Dating Abuse, please contact me through my website here with your email address. To keep up with updates on this blog please feel free to hit the subscribe button in the top right corner to be alerted to new posts every Monday. Have something you would like to know more about in the future? Leave a comment and I'll do my best to answer right away! Remember, the first step in solving the problem of teen dating abuse is awareness!
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