Mythbusting Abuse: Victims Should Just Get Over It

I cannot begin to say how many people said I needed to 'just move on' after I broke up with my abuser. I think it's a common mistake of people who have never been in an abusive relationship to think that if you are still dealing with the effects of abuse that you aren't over the relationship at all. Personally, I didn't miss my abuser once he was gone. Whenever someone told me to 'move on' I told them I had, that I had no intention of looking back and that my abuser-- quite plainly-- disgusted me. I didn't want him back in my life, and while I didn't want to think of him, I was having anxiety that manifested into an incredible amount of paranoia and fear. Sometimes these feeling would come out of nowhere, and sometimes they were triggered. For nearly a month, I could hardly eat anything without feeling sick. I was suffering from PTSD, or post-traumatic stress disorder, because of what my abuser put me through. Yet there were still people telling me to get over it.

In Intimate Violence against Women: When Spouses, Partners, or Lovers Attack, the authors Paula K. Lundberg-Love, ed. and Shelly Marmion write, "there are significant long-lasting effects on a woman's physical and mental health." The authors go on to say how this can cause a chronic low self-esteem from the constant verbal battery as well as a clinical depression.

However, these are not the only possibilities. Anxiety, paranoia, PTSD, sleeping disorders (brought on by nightmares or stress), eating disorders, antisocial or withdrawn behavior, and suicidal thoughts can start or become more prominent after breaking up with an abuser. And these effects don't just go away-- you can't tell someone to get over depression or a sleeping disorder. This is true in all abusive intimate relationships but can be more prominent in teenagers who are still developing socially and who are already dealing with hormonal changes. On Teen Dating Violence, the CDC (Centers for Disease Control and Prevention) says, "As teens develop emotionally, they are heavily influenced by experiences in their relationships... Unhealthy, abusive, or violent relationships can have short- and long-term negative effects on a developing teen."

NoMore.org talks more about more health effects in their article, Abusive Relationships Can Affect Your Long-Term Health, but rather than the more mental and emotional, they focus on the physical possibilities. Some of it is incredibly surprising, and mainly deal with survivors who have lived with an abuser-- but that isn't to say that it couldn't be a risk with someone who has long-term close contact with an abuser, such as seeing them every day at school, and perhaps after school as well. The statistics stated in the article are as follows: 

"Survivors of Intimate Partner Violence Are:

60% more likely to have asthma

70% more likely  to have heart disease

80% more likely to have a stroke

Twice as likely to be a current smoker

Twice as likely to suffer from depression and headaches"

Would you tell someone to get over heart disease or asthma? No. That would be insane and incredibly thoughtless. That's what people should think about when telling survivors of abuse to just get over it. Usually, the lasting pain has nothing to do with the person, the abuser, themselves but rather their actions. I did not cry because I missed my abuser, I cried because of what he had done to me-- because I felt like I would never be good enough because I had been mentally broken. A year after breaking up with my abuser, I almost had a panic attack in class when the professor began speaking about abuse because it brought that pain back in an unexpected place. I was not still 'hung up' on my abuser as my (current) boyfriend calmed me down in the hallway after that class. I was having intrusive flashbacks of when my abuser dragged me down the stairs and how he yelled at me. 

After my breakup with my abuser, all I wanted to do was forget him and the four years we spent together. When a leader in my community said I needed to move on, I told him I had. That wasn't the problem. I had no interest in where he was, what he was doing, or who he was with-- I don't think most survivors do once they realize what they've escaped from. What I did care about was what I was going through, my safety in the community (as I have talked about the dangers of leaving here and here), and what seeing him again could trigger. That same community leader did not understand why I couldn't be in the same room with my abuser and a woman who stalked me. You need to move on, he insisted. But I was afraid for my safety. I was having anxiety so badly that it gave me chest pain. I was having breakdowns from the stress of seeing a person who thought it would be fun to break me. Even two years after the event of my breakup with my abuser, I still suffered physically from anxiety when I was in the same room as him. 

Paula K. Lundberg-Love, ed. and Shelly Marmion write, "Although challenges often make us stronger, this is not usually the case in domestic abuse situations due to the relatively long-term and extremely personal nature of the relationship." I have become stronger because of what I went through, and because of the people around me who have built me back up, but it wasn't anything instant by any means. It was a long process and I suffered along the way, whether mentally or physically. I couldn't just get over what my abuser did to me. Even though I have forgiven him for what he did and how badly he hurt me in those years, I still suffer from anxiety and occasionally find myself on the verge of a panic attack when something triggers me unexpectedly. I can't just get over that when I have no control over the matter.

If you have been through an abusive relationship, I urge you to seek help if you are suffering from physical or mental effects related to your abuse. If you are suffering depression, I urge you to visit the HOPE Depression support group website (found here)-- and if you are in the Clarksville, Tennessee area, consider checking it out in person. If you know someone suffering after surviving an abusive relationship, please approach them with love and support. Do not tell them it's 'time they get over it' or that they 'need to move on'-- offer to listen and maybe you'll realize what they're going through isn't about lingering feelings for the abuser, but rather something far more painful that they simply can't control. 

The Myth: Victims should just get over it because there are no long-lasting effects and a strong person is stronger when they put it in the past.

The Fact: Getting over an abusive relationship is far harder than simply getting over the abuser, and being in an abusive relationship can not only leave mental scars but can cause significant long-lasting effects on a person's mental and physical health.

If you know any organization (scouts, church, etc.) that would like to have me speak on Teen Dating Abuse, please contact me through my website here with your email address. To keep up with updates on this blog please feel free to hit the subscribe button in the top right corner to be alerted to new posts every Monday. Have something you would like to know more about in the future? Leave a comment and I'll do my best to answer right away! Remember, the first step in solving the problem of teen dating abuse is awareness!