What is Traumatic Bonding?

Many people outside of an abusive relationship often don't understand why a victim doesn't just leave. I have covered the topic of exactly why it isn't always as simple as breaking up-- or moving out in the case the victim is already living with their abuser-- in a former blog post (click here!) but today I really want to discuss in depth one of the lesser thought of factors. I mentioned in last week's post, What is the Cycle of Abuse, that the abuse cycle can bring on something known as 'traumatic bonding.' This is something most abuse victims, myself included, fall to unknowingly.

 In his book The Abusive Personality: Violence and Control in Intimate Relationships, Donald Dutton writes, "This process [traumatic bonding] is an attachment to the abuser formed by the prior power differential in the relationship coupled with intermittent abuse. The result is a powerful attachment bond that begins to operate on the abuse victim with time away from the abuser. Negative memories recede, positive memories remain intact." As crazy as it might sound, this is exactly what happens in the minds of many abuse victims, and this bond is why abuse victims often go back to their abuser. My mother can probably remember in the days after breaking up with my abuser, I missed him. Or rather, I missed the positive memories, the years I had spent with him and the bond I had with him, especially given he was my only real source of socialization as he had alienated me from most of my friends. Thankfully I had strong support behind me and stayed away from my abuser, quickly getting into counseling.

It is notable to mention that the "formation of strong emotional attachments," as it is referred to in The Domestic Assault of Women: Psychological and Criminal Justice Perspectives, is not only tied to intimate abusive relationships. This book, also authored by Dutton, notes "people taken hostage nay subsequently show positive regard for their captors... and cult members are sometimes amazingly loyal to malevolent cult leaders." The fact that traumatic bonding is also so closely tied to things such as kidnap/hostages and cults shows the seriousness of this issue.

Dutton goes on to talk about the two common features that create traumatic bonding-- power imbalance and periodicity of abuse.

Power Imbalance.

An imbalance in power is something that is very common within abusive relationships of any kind, and it's something I always warn teenagers I speak with about. When I was a teenager, I didn't really know about the power within relationships, how it can start with little things such as the abuser deciding where to eat, what movie to see, and other such seemingly trivial things until the victim doesn't have much say at all. Of course, choices aren't always where the power imbalance comes into play. Dutton writes, "as the power imbalance magnifies, the person of low power feels more negative in her/his self-appraisal, more incapable of fending for her/himself, and thus, more in need of the high-power person," which points to a developed dependency. The matter of co-dependency is something I had to battle with after discovering it was a problem during my counseling sessions soon after breaking up with my abuser-- and moreover, it's something that needs a blog post of its own.  In short, the low-power person (the victim) feels dependent upon their abuser, and often for a variety of reason. I felt like my abuser was my only friend, like he was the only one who could love me. I felt absolutely powerless. Of course, the high-power person (the abuser) also has a dependency upon the victim though it is well hidden until the relationship is threatened. For example, my abuser made me feel as though I was worthless... but the moment I started to withdraw, he would say he needed me and that he couldn't live without me. He would suddenly seem helpless, and feeling needed after being made to feel worthless, it's easy to fall back into the trap.

Periodicity of Abuse.

This relates directly back to the cycle of abuse, which I wrote about last week. But to reiterate, Dutton puts it as the following, "The dominant party intermittently and periodically maltreats the submissive party by threats and verbal and/or physical abuse. The time between the bouts of abuse is likely to be characterized by more normal and acceptable social behavior." In other words, Dutton is talking about the three stages of the cycle of violence: the tension building, the explosion, and the 'honeymoon' at the end. These stages, of course, can last for longer or shorter periods of time but undoubtedly during the 'honeymoon'-- the periods of more acceptable social behavior-- there is usually some feeling of this being the last time, some feeling that the victim is needed by the abuser. In any case, this sort of 'intermittent maltreatment' has proven to produce a strong emotional bond, not just in humans but also in animals. To learn more about periodicity in abuse, or the abuse cycle, please click here to read last weeks blog post.

Overall, I feel like it is important for people on the outside of abusive relationships to understand what is happening, whether to understand what a survivor has gone through or to help a victim that they see with understanding for their situation. And it is also important for victims and survivors to understand what they might be going through or have gone through. An abuser can make you feel crazy, like you can't even trust yourself and your judgment-- so I think it's important to let others out there, victims and survivors, know that they aren't alone in their experiences. Traumatic bonding exists and it is one of the reasons that abuse victims stay with their abusers instead of just leaving, along with a web of other reasons that can be just as complicated.

Next week I hope to touch on the issue of codependency, something that I have personally struggled with so be sure to check in. While I certainly didn't cover everything there is to know about traumatic bonding, I hope that this post has given you some new knowledge. Please share it if you feel so inclined! You never know who might need to read this to realize what's happening in their own life. It could make a big difference.

If you know any organization (scouts, church, etc.) that would like to have a speaker on Teen Dating Abuse, please contact me through my website here with your email address. To keep up with updates on this blog please feel free to hit the subscribe button in the top right corner to be alerted to new posts every Thursday. Have something you would like to know more about in the future? Leave a comment and I'll do my best to answer right away! Remember, the first step in solving the problem of teen dating abuse is awareness!