I decided today it was time to jump back to the myth-busting with a subject that has always been heavy on my mind. One serious problem that victims of abuse go through is an odd one-- people who act like they know more about the situation of abuse than the victim themselves. While this might seem crazy, it's a common occurrence that usually adds up to statements such as "He isn't that kind of person." A lot of people seem to think that an abuser has to have some sort of noticeable problem in public, in front of the rest of the world, in order to be so hateful and abusive in private. This myth, in my opinion, encompasses many different myths I have found between sources such as "Intimate" Violence Against Women: When Spouses, Partners, and Lovers Attack, NewHopeForWomen.org, and the website for Arizona Coalition to End Sexual and Domestic Violence. I plan to cover all of these in order to provide more clarity, both to those who struggle in trying to be understood because of this viewpoint and for those who are among the crowd saying "That just isn't who he is."
As you might remember, in my previous myth-bust of abuse (found here), I went over Myth Three from the book "Intimate" Violence Against Women: When Spouses, Partners, and Lovers Attack which was about "Is it easy to leave?" Now I'm moving to Myth Four which is the claim that those who commit violence/abuse must be psychotic or psychologically deranged. This is not true. The writers go on to comment that while some abusers do suffer from or show signs of things such as substance abuse or antisocial personality disorder, this is not apparent in all abusers nor is it immediately observable in those who do show signs. It is also stated that there are no distinguishing psychological characteristics between abusers and those who do not do so. In my own experience, I cannot say that my abuser, to my knowledge, suffered from either of these possibilities. As a high schooler, I certainly could not have made those distinctions. When with me in public, he would give me the silent treatment and act argumentative– which was perceived as normal. Once in public, he did yell at me but this was brushed off. Senior year was when things started getting to their worst, things were more apparent according to both adults who saw us interacting and friends who were beginning to seriously worry about me, but it was never in front of people who 'mattered' in a sense-- none of the people who saw the mask come down were those who held a persuasive role in my life. The short of it is this: my abuser was like any other person, not psychotic or deranged, but still abusive towards me.
Moving on, one of the myths listed on NewHopeForWomen.org involves something that I briefly mentioned previously-- people outside of the romantic relationship. This myth reads "people who are abusive in their intimate relationships are violent in all of their relationships." The fact is very much the contrary. While this is not true in all abusers as some continue to mistreat others in their life, most abusers do not 'resort to violence' or any other type of abuse in relationships such as those with family, co-workers, or friends. Abuse in and of itself is an assertion of dominance, and usually isn't anything like the abuser would think of using towards others aside from their target.
Finally, I move to the myth provided by ACESDV.org which I found to be rather moving in its explanation of the fact. The myth is written, "Domestic violence is an impulse control or anger management problem." While, at the time, I did have a worry over my abuser's anger, I once again assert that I was a high schooler and could not possibly be able to assign anything to this-- but it did concern me. However, in reading on, I see a distinct point made. It does not matter if the abuser has an anger problem or not, that has no hold on the fact of abuse. The website goes on to state this: Abusers act deliberately and with forethought. Abusers choose whom to abuse. For example, an abuser will selectively batter his wife but not his boss. This is incredibly moving for me and a further step towards the simple fact that my abuser's actions were choice, not to be excused by anything else. And further it points to the fact that others outside of the personal relationship I had with my abuser is not one that those outside would see right away: he chose to abuse me, not them. They did not see his anger as I did because it was a choice to take it out on me, controlled elsewhere, part of the mask that many abusers wear in the public light.
In conclusion, to those who say, "he isn't that kind of person" I encourage you to realize that abuse is a choice made by those who inflict it upon others. It is not something done only by those who show their anger to everyone, it is not something only done by people who are psychologically deranged. Abusers could be anyone-- they are normal people who target specific victims to assert dominance over in ways ranging in the emotional, physical, and sexual. More than likely those outside of the personal relationship between an abuser and their victim will not see the signs and be able to distinguish unless they know specific things to look for. To those who say "that just isn't who he is," please take a moment to consider you can never fully know all the facets of a person and that by denying the victim's testimony off of who you think someone is, you are greatly contributing to victim blaming which is an incredibly big problem already. To those who have been abused, know this: what you have endured is not your fault nor was it your choice or anything in your control. As stated, abuse is the choice of the abuser. Many people won't see your struggle, and some will even attempt to deny your truth because they were not first-hand witnesses, but I encourage you to stay strong and never allow those who try to trivialize you to bring you down. Your journey and your story are important. Never forget that.
If you know any organization (scouts, church, etc.) that would like to have me speak on Teen Dating Abuse, please contact me through my website here with your email address. To keep up with updates on this blog please feel free to hit the subscribe button in the top right corner to be alerted to new posts every Monday. Have something you would like to know more about in the future? Leave a comment and I'll do my best to answer right away! Remember, the first step in solving the problem of teen dating abuse is awareness!
As you might remember, in my previous myth-bust of abuse (found here), I went over Myth Three from the book "Intimate" Violence Against Women: When Spouses, Partners, and Lovers Attack which was about "Is it easy to leave?" Now I'm moving to Myth Four which is the claim that those who commit violence/abuse must be psychotic or psychologically deranged. This is not true. The writers go on to comment that while some abusers do suffer from or show signs of things such as substance abuse or antisocial personality disorder, this is not apparent in all abusers nor is it immediately observable in those who do show signs. It is also stated that there are no distinguishing psychological characteristics between abusers and those who do not do so. In my own experience, I cannot say that my abuser, to my knowledge, suffered from either of these possibilities. As a high schooler, I certainly could not have made those distinctions. When with me in public, he would give me the silent treatment and act argumentative– which was perceived as normal. Once in public, he did yell at me but this was brushed off. Senior year was when things started getting to their worst, things were more apparent according to both adults who saw us interacting and friends who were beginning to seriously worry about me, but it was never in front of people who 'mattered' in a sense-- none of the people who saw the mask come down were those who held a persuasive role in my life. The short of it is this: my abuser was like any other person, not psychotic or deranged, but still abusive towards me.
Moving on, one of the myths listed on NewHopeForWomen.org involves something that I briefly mentioned previously-- people outside of the romantic relationship. This myth reads "people who are abusive in their intimate relationships are violent in all of their relationships." The fact is very much the contrary. While this is not true in all abusers as some continue to mistreat others in their life, most abusers do not 'resort to violence' or any other type of abuse in relationships such as those with family, co-workers, or friends. Abuse in and of itself is an assertion of dominance, and usually isn't anything like the abuser would think of using towards others aside from their target.Finally, I move to the myth provided by ACESDV.org which I found to be rather moving in its explanation of the fact. The myth is written, "Domestic violence is an impulse control or anger management problem." While, at the time, I did have a worry over my abuser's anger, I once again assert that I was a high schooler and could not possibly be able to assign anything to this-- but it did concern me. However, in reading on, I see a distinct point made. It does not matter if the abuser has an anger problem or not, that has no hold on the fact of abuse. The website goes on to state this: Abusers act deliberately and with forethought. Abusers choose whom to abuse. For example, an abuser will selectively batter his wife but not his boss. This is incredibly moving for me and a further step towards the simple fact that my abuser's actions were choice, not to be excused by anything else. And further it points to the fact that others outside of the personal relationship I had with my abuser is not one that those outside would see right away: he chose to abuse me, not them. They did not see his anger as I did because it was a choice to take it out on me, controlled elsewhere, part of the mask that many abusers wear in the public light.
In conclusion, to those who say, "he isn't that kind of person" I encourage you to realize that abuse is a choice made by those who inflict it upon others. It is not something done only by those who show their anger to everyone, it is not something only done by people who are psychologically deranged. Abusers could be anyone-- they are normal people who target specific victims to assert dominance over in ways ranging in the emotional, physical, and sexual. More than likely those outside of the personal relationship between an abuser and their victim will not see the signs and be able to distinguish unless they know specific things to look for. To those who say "that just isn't who he is," please take a moment to consider you can never fully know all the facets of a person and that by denying the victim's testimony off of who you think someone is, you are greatly contributing to victim blaming which is an incredibly big problem already. To those who have been abused, know this: what you have endured is not your fault nor was it your choice or anything in your control. As stated, abuse is the choice of the abuser. Many people won't see your struggle, and some will even attempt to deny your truth because they were not first-hand witnesses, but I encourage you to stay strong and never allow those who try to trivialize you to bring you down. Your journey and your story are important. Never forget that.
If you know any organization (scouts, church, etc.) that would like to have me speak on Teen Dating Abuse, please contact me through my website here with your email address. To keep up with updates on this blog please feel free to hit the subscribe button in the top right corner to be alerted to new posts every Monday. Have something you would like to know more about in the future? Leave a comment and I'll do my best to answer right away! Remember, the first step in solving the problem of teen dating abuse is awareness!
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