Recovery from abuse is something that takes time, and it is a difficult process especially when dealing with emotional trauma. There are some wounds deeper than others, some that take longer to heal, and when it comes to emotional abuse, invisible scars can be left on your heart. I know coming out of my abusive relationship at eighteen after over four years, I was broken. I didn't even recognize myself, and the question of 'how do I put myself back together' was a hard one to answer, especially when I had people on the outside prodding further at fresh wounds. The amazing thing, though, was how my friends and family all rallied around me, even when I was in the darkest place of my life.
Healthy Place (healthyplace.com) has inspired me this week with their article titled How to Recover From Emotional Trauma of Domestic Abuse. I saw the words 'domestic abuse,' and as always I had to wonder how well it would fit for teen abuse-- the answer is like a glove. Aside from the part about 'ongoing abuse' referring to cases with cohabitation, the three stages of recovery and the steps within those are incredibly close to steps I made through my own recovery after the end of my abusive relationship.
Safety and stabilization was the first section. As Kellie Jo Holly, the author of this article, puts it, "First, emotional trauma victims should work to regain their feelings of safety and mental stability." One of the points she talks about is seeking help with a professional counselor, and I can say that that was one of the best things I did after my experience. Four days after ending things with my abuser, I broke down during one of my morning classes and was escorted by a student worker to the counseling building. For college students: take advantage of free counseling services that your university offers!! While I would love to talk about all the benefits of counseling, I think I will save that for a future post. As it is, I would like to say I spent a year in counseling, going once a week-- a few months with my university's program and then with a Christian counselor after Christmas-- and it was probably the best thing I could have done for myself during this time along with attending a support group for people suffering from depression.
It is also mentioned to learn to self-soothe when you find yourself emotionally unstable and to learn what triggers these episodes of emotional instability. I had a few different things that I discovered, but the main one was seeing my abuser as we shared a few common places. Due to this, and the urging of my counselor, I did separate myself from the shared community for a while in order to regain myself. While I know some people disagreed with my decision at the time, I take my mental health very seriously and realize that my decision was very necessary in order to get myself set on the right track to recovery.
Another very important part of this initial step of 'safety and stabilization' is to re-establish relationships with friends and family. I was lucky to find friends I thought I had lost contacting me as soon as they found out I had separated myself from my abuser, checking up on me and trying to plan times to hang out so I wouldn't be alone. These friends remain incredibly helpful and supportive and I will be forever grateful for them. In the same regard, my family has always stood behind me.
The second section is Remembrance and Mourning. This part talks further about talking, now outside of counseling to people in your life or else journaling. As someone who tries to regularly journal, I can say that it is an incredibly soothing practice. Self-care is also brought up. This means that it's time to get back to healthy living that really does help mental health. Sleeping enough, eating healthy, getting a bit of exercise-- these are all things I strive to do, though during the school year, sleep can be a bit more difficult!
The last of the three sections covers Reconnection and Integration, and what the author says about the time frame is this, "I think this last phase will be the longest. It might last the rest of my life, as long as the abusive relationship did or exactly one more minute." I think this is incredibly important to understand. And it doesn't just have to do with the last phase (though I am in this third step), any of the three could last days or months, but I do think the last could go on a lifetime. It makes sense that it would given emotional trauma leaves traces behind. It leaves its quiet mark on people.
In this last section, the one I am in, you make plans for your new future. When I was with my abuser, I thought everything was planned out. I had a plan to get married, to have a family, but that was dashed and I had to regroup on my thoughts of the future-- which I have. But I've also learned how to accept the change of plans, especially within college. I have goals that are completely my own and which are uncontrolled by people on the outside (unlike in an abusive relationship). Reconnection and integration also focuses on meeting new people. I am still trying to get over anxious tendencies I have, more prevalently around men, but I have made an incredible amount of great friends since and will continue to do so as I build my relationships with friends I have always had around me.
One of the most important things, though, is the first bullet point of the section. It talks about volunteering being helpful but then goes on, "Find a way to teach what you’ve learned from the whole mess. That is the way to grow." This is my number one prerogative, through this blog and speaking arrangements. Recently I spoke to a group at the library, and I was overwhelmed by friends who came to support me, but I also felt incredibly good seeing the teen girls who attended take something away. They now are aware of signs of abuse in relationships, they know prevention methods, and they will (hopefully) be able to avoid relationships like what I went through.
What about all of you out there? What do you think is the most important step through recovery, or are they all equally important? Remember, everyone, awareness of the problem is the first step towards a solution! Have a lovely week 💗
Healthy Place (healthyplace.com) has inspired me this week with their article titled How to Recover From Emotional Trauma of Domestic Abuse. I saw the words 'domestic abuse,' and as always I had to wonder how well it would fit for teen abuse-- the answer is like a glove. Aside from the part about 'ongoing abuse' referring to cases with cohabitation, the three stages of recovery and the steps within those are incredibly close to steps I made through my own recovery after the end of my abusive relationship.
Safety and stabilization was the first section. As Kellie Jo Holly, the author of this article, puts it, "First, emotional trauma victims should work to regain their feelings of safety and mental stability." One of the points she talks about is seeking help with a professional counselor, and I can say that that was one of the best things I did after my experience. Four days after ending things with my abuser, I broke down during one of my morning classes and was escorted by a student worker to the counseling building. For college students: take advantage of free counseling services that your university offers!! While I would love to talk about all the benefits of counseling, I think I will save that for a future post. As it is, I would like to say I spent a year in counseling, going once a week-- a few months with my university's program and then with a Christian counselor after Christmas-- and it was probably the best thing I could have done for myself during this time along with attending a support group for people suffering from depression.
It is also mentioned to learn to self-soothe when you find yourself emotionally unstable and to learn what triggers these episodes of emotional instability. I had a few different things that I discovered, but the main one was seeing my abuser as we shared a few common places. Due to this, and the urging of my counselor, I did separate myself from the shared community for a while in order to regain myself. While I know some people disagreed with my decision at the time, I take my mental health very seriously and realize that my decision was very necessary in order to get myself set on the right track to recovery.
Another very important part of this initial step of 'safety and stabilization' is to re-establish relationships with friends and family. I was lucky to find friends I thought I had lost contacting me as soon as they found out I had separated myself from my abuser, checking up on me and trying to plan times to hang out so I wouldn't be alone. These friends remain incredibly helpful and supportive and I will be forever grateful for them. In the same regard, my family has always stood behind me.
The second section is Remembrance and Mourning. This part talks further about talking, now outside of counseling to people in your life or else journaling. As someone who tries to regularly journal, I can say that it is an incredibly soothing practice. Self-care is also brought up. This means that it's time to get back to healthy living that really does help mental health. Sleeping enough, eating healthy, getting a bit of exercise-- these are all things I strive to do, though during the school year, sleep can be a bit more difficult!
The last of the three sections covers Reconnection and Integration, and what the author says about the time frame is this, "I think this last phase will be the longest. It might last the rest of my life, as long as the abusive relationship did or exactly one more minute." I think this is incredibly important to understand. And it doesn't just have to do with the last phase (though I am in this third step), any of the three could last days or months, but I do think the last could go on a lifetime. It makes sense that it would given emotional trauma leaves traces behind. It leaves its quiet mark on people.
In this last section, the one I am in, you make plans for your new future. When I was with my abuser, I thought everything was planned out. I had a plan to get married, to have a family, but that was dashed and I had to regroup on my thoughts of the future-- which I have. But I've also learned how to accept the change of plans, especially within college. I have goals that are completely my own and which are uncontrolled by people on the outside (unlike in an abusive relationship). Reconnection and integration also focuses on meeting new people. I am still trying to get over anxious tendencies I have, more prevalently around men, but I have made an incredible amount of great friends since and will continue to do so as I build my relationships with friends I have always had around me.
One of the most important things, though, is the first bullet point of the section. It talks about volunteering being helpful but then goes on, "Find a way to teach what you’ve learned from the whole mess. That is the way to grow." This is my number one prerogative, through this blog and speaking arrangements. Recently I spoke to a group at the library, and I was overwhelmed by friends who came to support me, but I also felt incredibly good seeing the teen girls who attended take something away. They now are aware of signs of abuse in relationships, they know prevention methods, and they will (hopefully) be able to avoid relationships like what I went through.What about all of you out there? What do you think is the most important step through recovery, or are they all equally important? Remember, everyone, awareness of the problem is the first step towards a solution! Have a lovely week 💗
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