While it is easy to see similarities between violence/abuse in adult relationships and that within younger teen relationships, there are notable differences between the two which can be expected. Teenagers and adults live vastly different lives with different expectations, environments, and ways of thinking through situations. There is also the fact that the complexity of teen relationships often differs from extremely casual to extremely serious. In my own case, the relationship was extremely serious very quickly starting the summer after eighth grade when I began wearing a promise ring to show my commitment to my abuser, who I had been dating for six months at the time. Ours was considered an odd relationship, given the length and amount of commitment that seemed to be put in it despite the signs of infidelity on my abuser's part. A more serious commitment can make it easier to pinpoint signs of abuse within a relationship, however, most of the time relationships at this age are casual and short-lived. This makes it much harder to see abuse, and often it goes unrecognized by the victim its effects but it leaves a lasting expectation that the endured behavior is normal.
Unrealistic and unhealthy expectations for relationships are also very common in teen dating relationships. Part of this can stem from unhealthy relationship models, though not necessarily any parent or relative. Pop culture icons are usually the cause of this problem. Our current society promotes unhealthy relationships more often than not, both within celebrities and on television, romanticizing behaviors that are toxic. Even in beloved classics such as Grease, this is true and while as adults these movies can be seen as silly or enjoyable, teenagers can have a harder time separating this fiction of a good girl completely changing herself to win the heart of a bad boy from the reality of what a healthy relationship should look like. This, of course, is not saying the movie is bad-- I personally love the movie-- but healthy relationships need to be explained and displayed to help keep this from happening. In the future, I hope to talk more about the influence that pop culture has on abuse.
The fact that teenagers are also in a fixed environment with a fixed group of people for a good amount of the year is also a difference with teen dating relationships. The fact that a victim might attend school or share a friend group with their abuser can make things significantly more difficult. Even if there is a break, the victim will still have to deal with close proximity and possible continued abuse. Sharing a friend group can also make it difficult for a victim of abuse to know who they can confide in without information returning to their abuser and making things worse. This is something I myself experienced during my Freshman year of high school. Even without a shared friend group involved, I would find myself very afraid to confide in anyone at school in case I was overheard or the information was spread, as it often is in a high school, and reached the ears of the wrong person.
In this time of life, teenagers also may already find it difficult to talk to parents or trusted adults. With the tactic of isolation, an abusive teen dating relationship often displays, this can only become increasingly worse. A friend will more than likely be a confidant over a parent or teacher, which returns us to the previous point of not knowing who to trust among friends in the first place within situations such as an abusive relationship. Furthermore, in a time that is meant to be developmental to a teenager, this isolation and accompanying abuse can lead to the following according to Intimate Violence against Women: When Spouses, Partners, or Lovers Attack:
- Develop new and mature relationships with peers of both sexes;
- Feel emotionally independent;
- Develop personal values and beliefs; and
- Stay focused on school and get good grades.
I know these points describe my own difficulties during high school when I felt the constant stress of my relationship. I was not allowed by my abuser to have male friends, and many of my female friends were scared off by threats or an uncomfortable attitude my abuser had towards them. From time with my counselor, I came to the realization I had experienced codependency in my relationship and have had to learn from there how to avoid that further. I have had to learn how to be my own person in the past couple years after being controlled, manipulated, and in a codependent relationship for over four years in an incredibly important period of my life where I should have been finding myself. The fact that I was able to get out when I did and have not fallen back into a toxic relationship is a considerable growth on my part. Many young men and women are unable to break away from their partners if the relationship is serious, and even more fall back into the cycle. If you know someone that may be suffering from teen dating abuse, I once again refer to Intimate Violence against Women: When Spouses, Partners, or Lovers Attack, which provides a list of how to help in these situations:
- If you notice a friend is in an abusive relationship, don't ignore signs of abuse. Talk to your friend.
- Express your concerns. Tell your friend you're worried. Support, don't judge.
- Point out your friend's strengths—many people in abusive relationships are no longer capable of seeing their own abilities and gifts.
- Encourage your friend to confide in a trusted adult. Talk to a trusted adult if you believe the situation is getting worse. Offer to go with your friend for help.
- Never put yourself in a dangerous situation with the victim's partner. Don't be a mediator.
- Call the police if you witness an assault. Tell an adult, a school principal, parent, guidance counselor.
As a note-- dating violence does not only refer to physical violence within a dating relationship but covers mental/emotional, verbal, sexual, and physical according to Intimate Violence against Women: When Spouses, Partners, or Lovers Attack. It can also manifest as 'digital' abuse, which uses social media or electronic communication in order to harass, degrade, or attack, Due to this confusion, I will often use 'dating abuse' instead, but the terms can be used interchangeably.
If you know any organization (scouts, church, etc.) that would like to have me speak on Teen Dating Abuse, please contact me through my website here with your email address. To keep up with updates on this blog please feel free to hit the subscribe button in the top right corner to be alerted to new posts every Monday. Have something you would like to know more about in the future? Leave a comment and I'll do my best to answer right away! Remember, the first step in solving the problem of teen dating abuse is awareness!
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