What is Gaslighting?

The definition of the word 'gaslighting' is the following: to manipulate (someone) by psychological means into questioning their own sanity. This is a cruel and often undetected form of mental and emotional abuse that I did not have a name for until I began counseling, where I was given the definition for the first time. Gaslighting was one of my abuser's most used tactics, and it is a tactic that can wear it's victim down. Confusion causes doubt in one's self and exhaustion, which often leaves the victim further weakened for the abuser to further take advantage of. Using articles from TheHotline.org and PsychologyToday.com, I will help explain what gaslighting is.

Gaslighting is not something that suddenly happens. It is a tactic that grows in severity over time, usually starting very small in the relationship. It can be seen as a misunderstanding the first few times, but slowly it turns into an outright denial of words spoken and actions done by the abuser whether or not you have proof to say otherwise. TheHotline.org provides a list of tactics used in gaslighting. These include withholding, countering, blocking/diverting, trivializing, and forgetting/denial.

Withholding: the abusive partner pretends not to understand or refuses to listen.

With withholding, the abuser might claim that the victim is simply confusing them. They refuse to accept any evidence of their wrongdoings, refusing to hear what is wrong. Often when I tried to tell my abuser what was wrong, he would brush me off completely. He would claim he didn't want to talk about the problem that he had started and was perfectly content leaving me upset. He would shut me down when I tried to explain things or say I wasn't making any sense in my explanation. Often I would later talk it over with one of the few friends I had left and they couldn't see anything confusing with what I was trying to say.

Countering: the abusive partner questions the victim’s memory of events, even when the victim remembers them accurately.

One of the most distinct memories I have of this is when my abuser decided to play a little game with me, to try to make me feel crazy. He, at some point before we saw each other that day, had put on a bracelet. It was completely noticeable and I had never seen him wear it before. When I asked about it, he wouldn't answer me and shrugged it off. When I persisted, he acted irritated and I let it go. I left the class and saw him a few hours later without the bracelet. When I asked where it had gone, he claimed that he had no idea what I was talking about. The worst part was that he had gotten another person in on it to tell me that what I remembered wasn't real. I was incredibly upset, but my abuser never relented and thinking back, I still question that memory even though several people (when I later asked) said they had seen him wearing the bracelet because it wasn't his sort of style. 

This was the most obvious of many occurrences in which things would happen and my abuser would tell me I wasn't remembering things correctly or else, that I was making things up.

Blocking/Diverting: the abusive partner changes the subject and/or questions the victim’s thoughts.

This is a common way to get the current focus off of the abuser and instead make someone else the source of blame. An abuser who is using the method of gaslighting will often try to convince their victim that everyone else is lying, which can be part of diverting. Several of my friends saw the abuse that was happening-- albeit as teenagers, it wasn't something that could be easily understood. When they told me something was wrong, I would often approach my abuser with questions. Had he actually called me names in front of his friends? Had he been flirting with other girls behind my back? Instead of actually answering me, he would start questioning why I would believe other people over him and call people who had been friends of mine for years liars, going on to say things like they were just jealous or 'didn't understand'.

Trivializing: the abusive partner makes the victim’s needs or feelings seem unimportant.

This is a topic I often talk about when I speak with teenagers. The trivializing of emotions was something I went through a lot during my time with my abuser. I was often told I was 'too sensitive' to a point where I would apologize for being sad or upset. My abuser would make me cry and then verbally attack me for crying, saying that I was overreacting. He was never sorry for making me cry, it was my fault because I was too sensitive. Trivializing is also grouped with the minimizing of abuse, or else blame shifting of abuse.

Forgetting/Denying: the abusive partner pretends to have forgotten what actually occurred or denies things like promises made to the victim.

Forgetting things that he had said or done was also an often occurrence. When I would try to talk about things that hadn't been resolved, he said he never remembered them at all or else denied that he had said what had originally begun the disagreement. At one point, he wanted me to befriend a girl that had harassed me in the past, and later denied ever doing so when I mentioned it to my mother. It wasn't only disagreements that he would seem to 'forget', though. Towards the end of our relationship, he would often forget promises he made, like dates he had promised to take me on. He would forget that we were supposed to go out, and instead showed up just to stay at my house for the afternoon when I was ready to go. This was extremely hurtful to me as I was often excited and would often give him reminders of our upcoming dates-- which he also seemed to forget me sending. 

_________

Some other important things to know about gaslighters are:

Gaslighters project. My abuser cheated on me, and due to this he often accused me of cheating on him. I never understood why he made accusations as I hardly left my house except to go to school. Because of this, he accused me of cheating on him with friends of mine, which I found extremely out of line. I would allow him to go through my phone and jumped through numerous hoops to try to prove to him that I was faithful, but it never worked.

Gaslighters will align people against you and tell people that you are crazy. I continue to bear witness to this nearing three years of being away from my abuser. He would often tell lies about me to people we both knew. At one point he told people that he had tried to break up with me and I had told him 'no,' something that never happened. I was only made aware of this occurrence after the end of the relationship. He would paint me to be a clingy and possessive girlfriend when in reality I was scared to wander too far from him because he would get angry at me for talking to certain people or else being somewhere he didn't want me to be. 

Often gaslighters are sociopaths, narcissists, or addicts. While I cannot prove any of these of my abuser, nor would I try to, further reading into situations such as my own often leads me to resources about narcissists and people with sociopathic tendencies. People like this, and addicts, are extremely difficult to deal with and can prove to be dangerous. 

If you are or have been a victim of gaslighting, seek counseling and support. I spoke about my experience with counseling a couple weeks ago (see here) and I can say that it was one of the best things I could have done for myself. A counselor will be able to walk you through your experience and piece things together-- it's nice to have someone understand exactly what you have experienced and assure you that you are not crazy. Support groups are also incredibly useful. I attended a local support group called HOPE and now frequently attend to help support the group. I can say with certainty communities like this are priceless in recovery. If you would like further information on this group, visit the HOPE website here.

If you know any organization (scouts, church, etc.) that would like to have me speak on Teen Dating Abuse, please contact me through my website here with your email address. To keep up with updates on this blog please feel free to hit the subscribe button in the top right corner to be alerted to new posts every Monday. Have something you would like to know more about in the future? Leave a comment and I'll do my best to answer right away! Remember, the first step in solving the problem of teen dating abuse is awareness!

Definitions of the tactics of gaslighting provided by TheHotline.com.