It seems like a lot of people assume that after an abusive relationship ends, that's it. The bad time is over and the victim turned survivor can easily move forward in the world, unburdened. However, abuse of any kind-- emotional, physical, and/or sexual can leave behind deep scars that take time to heal, whether that time is a few months or several years. Using the book In Love and In Danger: A Teen's Guide to Breaking Free of Abusive Relationships by Barrie Levy, MSW, I will go over some of the ways that abuse can leave scars on survivors.
Physical Scars.
This was not something I personally endured, however, several victims of abuse do walk away having suffered scars whether they are healing or permanent. Bruises, broken bones, or even permanent disability are only some of the possibilities of harm caused by abusers.
Neglected Appearance.
When in an abusive relationship, it is common for the victim to neglect their appearance. This was something I did throughout my experience in an abusive relationship, to avoid my abuser becoming jealous or else questioning me on why I had fixed my hair or put on makeup or worn something like a dress to school. In Junior and Senior year, I participated in pageants, something I had never done before, and the amount he lashed out at me because of it made something that should have been fun turn into something incredibly stressful.
Neglected appearance may also refer to the gaining or loss of weight due to stress. Through my relationship, I was incredibly depressed, which led to me stress eating. I gained quite a bit of weight, especially through my senior year of high school, due to this.
These sort of habits of neglecting appearance can remain after an abusive relationship due to habit or continued depression/anxiety that causes such neglect. It took a while for me to start having pride in how I looked again after I got out of the relationship.
Shame.
Most victims and survivors of abuse suffer from some amount of shame due to what they went through, and I was one of those who held a lot of self-hate and self-shame. People who have gone through abuse often blame themselves and are embarrassed by what they went through. This only increases when those around them trivialize their experience or victim blame, further shaming the person. There are still times when I feel ashamed of allowing myself to stay in the situation I was in, but as I always tell those who I speak with, abuse is the fault of the abuser, not of the victim. Furthermore, leaving an abusive relationship can be incredibly difficult as I have talked about before in my blog post Mythbusting Abuse: Is It Easy to Leave?
Fear.
For a long time after leaving my abuser, I was afraid to speak with men I had not met before because I thought I would be yelled at by them. Often I was afraid to leave my house alone to go to public places like the mall. Certain things, such as raised voices or certain triggering images, would cause me to have panic attacks-- I later learned that I suffered from post-traumatic stress disorder due to the abuse I suffered, something I hope to further talk about in the next few weeks.
Isolation.
Isolation is one of the most prominent tactics of abuse. Often after exiting an abusive relationship, the victim is left very much isolated which can lead to them falling back into the same or another abusive relationship. During my time in an abusive relationship, most of my friends became distant. I count myself lucky in this area, though, as many of them began contacting me again and supporting me when they saw that I had left my abuser. They were and remain to be amazing pieces of my support system. However, many people withdraw from family and friends both during their time with an abuser, as well as afterward because of shame or fear of being further judged.
Depression.
Depression is something I suffered from both during and after being with my abuser. As I said, I had very bad eating habits and after the relationship ended, I felt like I couldn't eat at all. I wasn't able to sleep or focus, I was constantly in a state of emotional turmoil for several weeks. The time after leaving my abuser was one of the hardest I went through, but when I got through it I realized that I made the right choice. I was also blessed to be able to go to a support group in my town, which I still attend with hopes to help out when I can. This group is called HOPE (Hold On Pain Ends) and was an incredible tool for me to grow in faith and learn how to deal with my depression. Depression and the Hope Depression Support Group are two things I really hope to talk about later on this blog, but if you would like further resources, please check out the website here!
In conclusion, the effects of abuse do not just end when the relationship between the abuser and their victim end. The effects of abuse can last long after and continue to affect a survivor's life for days, months, or years. I encourage those who have been abused to remember that abuse is not the fault of the victim, but the choice of the abuser. To those who know someone who has been abused, I encourage you to support that person to the best of your ability. After enduring abuse, support from family and friends is undeniably important. To those who once thought that the effects of abuse end with the end of the relationship, I hope you can see that is simply not the case.
If you know any organization (scouts, church, etc.) that would like to have me speak on Teen Dating Abuse, please contact me through my website here with your email address. To keep up with updates on this blog please feel free to hit the subscribe button in the top right corner to be alerted to new posts every Monday. Have something you would like to know more about in the future? Leave a comment and I'll do my best to answer right away! Remember, the first step in solving the problem of teen dating abuse is awareness!
Comments
Post a Comment