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What is Spiritual Abuse?



Spirituality is something that a lot of people hold very close. As a Christian, this is a true statement of myself. My faith was something I never thought would be used against me, especially not by someone I cared about, but it easily was. Faith and words of the Bible can be easily be manipulated to be used against someone. As 'A Place of Hope' puts it, "Spiritual abuse is the intentional misrepresentation of a spiritual truth for unspiritual reasons, such as greed, manipulation, injustice, hatred, or spite."

While spiritual abuse is more often seen being used by authorities of a church or cults, it can also be seen in intimate relationships and can be linked in with any form of abuse-- emotional, physical, or sexual.

In the abusive relationship I was in, it seemed like faith was often held against me. Using a list of spiritually abusive behaviors given by The Hotline, I will attempt to bring light to what this abuse can look like in an intimate relationship.

A spiritually abusive person ridicules or insults their partner’s religious or spiritual beliefs.

This can be true even if you share the same fundamental beliefs or religion as the abuser. My abuser and I both went to church, and I was under the impression that we shared the same Christian religion. We had the same foundation, but there were places where our thoughts differed. I have always been under the belief that if you give your life to Jesus and believe, the rest doesn't matter-- such as the sect you are in be it Baptist, Methodist, or Catholic. My abuser didn't believe the same as I do, and often would ridicule this as well as other small things such as this. It may not seem like a large thing, but this wasn't at all a discussion-- it was a situation of being told 'you are wrong and stupid for believing this' which can easily make someone begin questioning what they believe.

A spiritually abusive person uses their partner’s religious or spiritual beliefs to manipulate or shame them.

Manipulation was what my abuser used against me. I was very protective of my virginity due to the teachings of the Bible. My abuser said for years that since we were going to get married anyway, it didn't matter and it was basically the same thing. This increased exponentially after we were engaged. This was sexual coercion, and twisting the scripture to use it against me.

My abuser also used my religion to shame me for being friends with certain people and try to convince me they weren't the sort I should be hanging out with. This relates back to emotional abuse and isolation.

This point can go further, of course. The National Association for Christian Recovery says in their article about spiritual abuse, "sometimes battered wives are told that God wants them to be submissive to their husbands." This is an example of manipulation using spirituality, and also an example of twisting the scripture.

A spiritually abusive person uses religious texts or beliefs to minimize or rationalize abusive behaviors.

Looking back, I am really amazed at how much this tactic was used against me, not just by my abuser but by people around me that were claiming they were attempting to help me. The Southlake Christian Counseling covered this very well in their article Spiritual Abuse is..., but there were a few things I wanted to touch on from this source. The writer of the article Shannon Thomas noted that "when scripture on forgiveness is distorted to keep someone from setting healthy boundaries with a toxic person." After my relationship with my abuser ended, I sought help within a community I was a part of, and all I heard was how I should forgive and how the Bible said to forgive. They didn't seem to understand that I still had a real fear of my former abuser (who was in close proximity). While I didn't want him removed from the area, there were boundaries that I and several other people thought should be set by the leaders of that community. Instead, whenever I tried to see this done, I was once again lectured on forgiveness-- and I have long since forgiven. Shannon Thomas writes, "when a survivor initially seeks guidance from a Christian leader, they need help setting healthy boundaries... They do NOT need a leader reinforcing the concept that the abuse is the survivor’s fault."

Some other spiritually abusive behaviors that might be in an intimate relationship.

  • prevents the other partner from practicing their religious or spiritual beliefs
  • forces the children to be raised in a faith that the other partner has not agreed to
These two are not things I went through personally, given I practiced the same religion as my abuser and I do not have any children. However, I do want them to be mentioned. I am sure there are more examples, and if you have one please feel free to leave a comment! It might help someone else.

If you know any organization (scouts, church, etc.) that would like to have me speak on Teen Dating Abuse, please contact me through my website here with your email address. To keep up with updates on this blog please feel free to hit the subscribe button in the top right corner to be alerted to new posts every Monday. Have something you would like to know more about in the future? Leave a comment and I'll do my best to answer right away! Remember, the first step in solving the problem of teen dating abuse is awareness!


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