Too Much, Too Soon

In last week's blog post, I decided to share a video by TedTalk featuring Dina McMillan titled 'Unmasking the Abuser.' It was about being able to spot a possible abuser before beginning a relationship or early into it. While I think the video explained itself very well, I found myself wanting to touch on something that spoke very true to me. McMillan touched on a three-point system to help someone identify a possible abusive partner. These were: Too Much, Too Soon, and Transforming. McMillan talks about these as a form of psychological manipulation, which is an incredibly scary form of abuse.

Too Much. McMillian notes that this means too many compliments, too many gifts, too much togetherness, too many promises, and too much talk about the future. It's someone new coming into your life and suddenly becoming all of your life. I was in eighth grade when I began dating my abuser, and this is exactly what happened. He was texting me constantly, gave me pictures and passed me notes between classes, gave me two pieces of what he said was 'expensive' jewelry within six months. One was only a week after we began dating. We were planning our wedding, becoming way more serious than any fourteen-year olds should be. After only six months, I was wearing a promise ring. Within so little time, he had made my world revolve around him and I thought nothing of it.

While some relationships that move fast are healthy, in a teen dating relationship its certainly a red flag and it can easily be one in an adult relationship, too. It is also important to note that too much texting or calling can be included in this. It is a way to start making you prioritize the potential abuser over others.

Too Soon. This involves claiming you right away as a 'girlfriend' even if you've only known each other a couple of days or as a 'future wife,' and also making big plans. Like I already said, my abuser and I were planning our wedding within six months. We were talking about house plans and kids names at fourteen. In that short of a time, especially at that age and without having known each other beforehand, big plans should have been put on the back burner while we got to know each other. Making big plans with someone you hardly know can be extremely dangerous. And with cell phones, it's easy to mistake actually knowing someone. As I said, potential abusers will constantly text you, both to begin seeing themselves prioritized and to keep tabs but also to begin forming a synthetic intimacy that can be created with constant contact.

Transforming. McMillian comments that the potential abuser will immediately try to change you with unsolicited advice or comments. This can range from your personal beliefs, your appearance, or even your taste in music. This is a step I remember very well. Anything that I said that contradicted something my abuser believed was wrong, and he would tell me so and try to convince me of it. Usually, it worked if only because I didn't want him to be mad at me. One of the earliest of these instances that I can remember had to do with music. I was made to feel ashamed for listening to anything that wasn't country, because all other music was 'trash,' unless it was a song he decided he liked. He also began commenting if he felt something was lowcut or too short, how he didn't like when I put on heavy makeup, how he thought I should wear boots more and dress more 'country' when it wasn't really my style. And I did, as much as a fourteen-year-old can when they aren't buying their own clothes.

I always tell the teens I talk to that they are their own person, and this is to try to prevent this transformation. Over time, you might change a little, adopt some of your significant other's interests or hobbies, maybe learn more about their beliefs and so one-- but it isn't forced. You aren't told that you are wrong for not liking something or a bad person for not believing something. Transforming is manipulative, someone attempting to puppeteer your life, and if you see it happening to yourself, you should really consider leaving the relationship behind. It doesn't get better-- it only gets worse. Transforming may also include the abuser trying to isolate you from friends and family, or criticize your life choice in career. It can make you into someone you don't recognize.

In conclusion, there are ways to spot a potentially abusive situation if you know where to look. These are certainly not all of the warning signs, but listening to Dina McMillan speak about them, I felt called to elaborate and add my own thoughts and experiences to help further explain what Too Much, Too Soon, and Transforming meant.

If you know any organization (scouts, church, etc.) that would like to have me speak on Teen Dating Abuse, please contact me through my website here with your email address. To keep up with updates on this blog please feel free to hit the subscribe button in the top right corner to be alerted to new posts every Monday. Have something you would like to know more about in the future? Leave a comment and I'll do my best to answer right away! Remember, the first step in solving the problem of teen dating abuse is awareness!