Speak Up. Stand Tall.

Stalking is something that many abuse victims deal with and something that I myself dealt with at the end of my relationship with my abuser. Being stalked by my abuser was something I never considered. I already was communicating with him constantly, but a college setting was far different than that of high school and with my abuser at work half the day, I suppose he was worried about what I might do in a more open environment without his 'supervision.' The first time I knew something was off was when I got a text asking "why are you at the library?" I had not mentioned I was going, having just needed to use a printer-- and really it wasn't something I needed to mention at all, but that's a point for a post on healthy versus unhealthy relationships. In any case, I wanted to know how he knew where I was, given he was at work. I got no answer, just more questions. This behavior continued on, and his constant knowledge of where I was started eating at me. It wa...

Finally getting back to the blog after a long hiatus. Since I've written, I have graduated from my bachelor's program and have a spot waiting for me in the graduate program with a GA position! I was also interviewed about my blog for the university newspaper,  The All State , which was incredibly exciting. In addition, two weeks ago, I was able to talk to the teens at my church about teen dating abuse which went wonderfully. I'm glad that despite my overwhelming writers block, I've still been able to spread awareness! This week I want to dive back in, though, starting with love bombing.  Psychology Today  writer, Suzanne Degges-White, defined love bombing by saying, "love bombing is the practice of overwhelming someone with signs of adoration and attraction — think flattering comments, tokens of affection, or love notes on the mirror, kitchen table, or windshield, and you’re beginning to get the picture." I'm sharing this video in particular because I...

Verbal abuse is a harsh reality that isn't spoken about as much as it should be. In fact, verbal abuse is the most under-reported form of abuse though it is also incredibly damaging. As a former victim of verbal abuse, I can say it has long-lasting effects. Being put down every day by someone you care for can begin wearing you down, and usually, the victim will begin believing what the abuser says. This video is a good quick rundown of what verbal abuse is as well as warning signs you may see in the early stages of the relationship. These include: withholding, brushing comments off as 'jokes,' blocking and diverting, threatening, and name-calling. I had to deal with all of these behaviors over my four-year relationship, but I never thought I was being abused-- I didn't know someone could be verbally abusive. I always brushed it off as 'he's having a bad day' or blamed his behavior on myself. Abuse victims shouldn't feel at blame for what their a...

For this week, I wanted to share this video by BBC 3. I often think I don't speak specifically enough about abuse against men given that was not my experience so when I find sources like this, I am always eager to include them. This is an incredibly moving account including video footage taken by police on site. The victim's girlfriend both physically and mentally abused him over the course of three years, keeping him isolated from friends and family. I'm very glad that in this account the male victim was taken seriously as some people try to discount or discredit the very notion of women abusing their male significant others. This sort of thing is very real, and it is people like this who speak up who have the ability to show the world what can happen. Please take time to watch and share this video-- you never know who you might help. If you know any organization (scouts, church, etc.) that would like to have a speaker on Teen Dating Abuse, please contact me through ...

With everything that has been happening within the world in this past year, I think this subject has come into the light of importance-- where it should be. Speaking out against abuse isn't easy . Some might wonder why a survivor of abuse wouldn't wish to name their abuser and see justice done, and there are quite a few reasons, some of which I have spoken about before. If the abuser is still in the picture, it can be dangerous. The survivor might fear retribution-- something I feared when I first began speaking about my experience within an abusive relationship given I was still in the same area of my abuser and saw him regularly. Even if the abuser isn't still in the survivor's life, they may not wish to approach the subject because it's a painful topic or because they're embarrassed by what they went through-- even though there is nothing for a survivor to feel embarrassed or ashamed of. This isn't me trying to make survivors feel bad about not speaking...

Happy Thursday everyone! This week is pretty busy for me with my courses picking up and trying to prepare for graduation in May (already), but I still wanted to share something. I have been wanting to talk more about codependency and being codependent. I think that this video by SciShow Psych explains the basic points of codependency in a relationship rather well, and I really wanted to share it with all of you. Codependency refers to a certain amount of attachments and behaviors, and according to SciShow Psych, it is also referred to in three other ways: relationship dependency, emotional dependency, or obsessive love. It is also referred to by another term, which I have used before-- addictive love. If you would like to read my previous post, click here!   This video talks about things I didn't get to touch on, such as the Love Attitude Scale , which is something both interesting and, I think, important as it is supposed to be able to tell a person if they are codependen...

Many people outside of an abusive relationship often don't understand why a victim doesn't just leave. I have covered the topic of exactly why it isn't always as simple as breaking up-- or moving out in the case the victim is already living with their abuser-- in a former blog post ( click here! ) but today I really want to discuss in depth one of the lesser thought of factors. I mentioned in last week's post, What is the Cycle of Abuse,  that the abuse cycle can bring on something known as 'traumatic bonding.' This is something most abuse victims, myself included, fall to unknowingly.   In his book The Abusive Personality: Violence and Control in Intimate Relationships , Donald Dutton writes, "This process [traumatic bonding] is an attachment to the abuser formed by the prior power differential in the relationship coupled with intermittent abuse. The result is a powerful attachment bond that begins to operate on the abuse victim with time away from the a...

Chapter Four of The Abusive Personality: Violence and Control in Intimate Relationships  by Donald G. Dutton starts with the author looking back on past interviews, writing, "As I look now at the interview notes I took from female partners of our clients, the phrases jump off the page at me: "He's like two different people," "He's like Jekyll and Hyde," "He's completely different sometimes..."" These continue on finishing with the phrase, "He's like living on an emotional roller coaster." 'The Cycle of Violence,' or 'The Cycle of Abuse,' was something I learned about after leaving my abusive ex. And it is something I want to share more because I remember thinking "This explains so much."  The chart to the right is one of the more detailed versions of this cycle which can be seen in three stages-- occasionally more, but these three encompass the big points. These stages explain what the auth...

I hope everyone is having a fantastic week! I have decided this year that I want to branch out a little in my blog and while the focus will still stay on teen dating abuse and domestic violence, I want to touch on topics such as mental health and my own life as I move forward as a survivor. 2019 marks my third year out of an abusive relationship, but more importantly, it marks my third year of building myself up and becoming more confident. This year, I think my word is decidedly confidence -- and it's shown up a few times in just these first few weeks. Even three years out of the relationship with my abuser, there are still lingering wounds. One of these has been affecting me for far too long and I finally found it within myself to address it. Something my abuser used to do very often was threaten to leave me whenever he was slightly upset with me. While he sadly never carried through on this threat, it really managed to tear me down. I would look at the years I put into th...

The New Year is always an incredibly exciting time, both to look forward to the future and reflect on the past. 2018 was such a big year for my platform, Speak Up Stand Tall, and I'd really like to look back on all the amazing things I've been able to do and be part of. First of all, last year in February I started this blog! And it got a lot of things moving. Because of my blogging, I was able to see the need for people like myself to speak out or risk being silenced. I also saw how much support poured in to lift me up in some of the darkest moments. With my actual speaking program, I was able to talk to so many wonderful teens! The first of these was at the Clarksville Public Library on May 3rd. This was so important as I saw which areas of my program I wanted to build on and this helped exponentially when I spoke at the Clarksville Department of Parks and Recreation's summer programs! Those were by far the largest groups I have seen so far, and while I was incredibly...