Speak Up. Stand Tall.

Stalking is something that many abuse victims deal with and something that I myself dealt with at the end of my relationship with my abuser. Being stalked by my abuser was something I never considered. I already was communicating with him constantly, but a college setting was far different than that of high school and with my abuser at work half the day, I suppose he was worried about what I might do in a more open environment without his 'supervision.' The first time I knew something was off was when I got a text asking "why are you at the library?" I had not mentioned I was going, having just needed to use a printer-- and really it wasn't something I needed to mention at all, but that's a point for a post on healthy versus unhealthy relationships. In any case, I wanted to know how he knew where I was, given he was at work. I got no answer, just more questions. This behavior continued on, and his constant knowledge of where I was started eating at me. It wa...

Finally getting back to the blog after a long hiatus. Since I've written, I have graduated from my bachelor's program and have a spot waiting for me in the graduate program with a GA position! I was also interviewed about my blog for the university newspaper,  The All State , which was incredibly exciting. In addition, two weeks ago, I was able to talk to the teens at my church about teen dating abuse which went wonderfully. I'm glad that despite my overwhelming writers block, I've still been able to spread awareness! This week I want to dive back in, though, starting with love bombing.  Psychology Today  writer, Suzanne Degges-White, defined love bombing by saying, "love bombing is the practice of overwhelming someone with signs of adoration and attraction — think flattering comments, tokens of affection, or love notes on the mirror, kitchen table, or windshield, and you’re beginning to get the picture." I'm sharing this video in particular because I...

Verbal abuse is a harsh reality that isn't spoken about as much as it should be. In fact, verbal abuse is the most under-reported form of abuse though it is also incredibly damaging. As a former victim of verbal abuse, I can say it has long-lasting effects. Being put down every day by someone you care for can begin wearing you down, and usually, the victim will begin believing what the abuser says. This video is a good quick rundown of what verbal abuse is as well as warning signs you may see in the early stages of the relationship. These include: withholding, brushing comments off as 'jokes,' blocking and diverting, threatening, and name-calling. I had to deal with all of these behaviors over my four-year relationship, but I never thought I was being abused-- I didn't know someone could be verbally abusive. I always brushed it off as 'he's having a bad day' or blamed his behavior on myself. Abuse victims shouldn't feel at blame for what their a...

For this week, I wanted to share this video by BBC 3. I often think I don't speak specifically enough about abuse against men given that was not my experience so when I find sources like this, I am always eager to include them. This is an incredibly moving account including video footage taken by police on site. The victim's girlfriend both physically and mentally abused him over the course of three years, keeping him isolated from friends and family. I'm very glad that in this account the male victim was taken seriously as some people try to discount or discredit the very notion of women abusing their male significant others. This sort of thing is very real, and it is people like this who speak up who have the ability to show the world what can happen. Please take time to watch and share this video-- you never know who you might help. If you know any organization (scouts, church, etc.) that would like to have a speaker on Teen Dating Abuse, please contact me through ...

With everything that has been happening within the world in this past year, I think this subject has come into the light of importance-- where it should be. Speaking out against abuse isn't easy . Some might wonder why a survivor of abuse wouldn't wish to name their abuser and see justice done, and there are quite a few reasons, some of which I have spoken about before. If the abuser is still in the picture, it can be dangerous. The survivor might fear retribution-- something I feared when I first began speaking about my experience within an abusive relationship given I was still in the same area of my abuser and saw him regularly. Even if the abuser isn't still in the survivor's life, they may not wish to approach the subject because it's a painful topic or because they're embarrassed by what they went through-- even though there is nothing for a survivor to feel embarrassed or ashamed of. This isn't me trying to make survivors feel bad about not speaking...

Happy Thursday everyone! This week is pretty busy for me with my courses picking up and trying to prepare for graduation in May (already), but I still wanted to share something. I have been wanting to talk more about codependency and being codependent. I think that this video by SciShow Psych explains the basic points of codependency in a relationship rather well, and I really wanted to share it with all of you. Codependency refers to a certain amount of attachments and behaviors, and according to SciShow Psych, it is also referred to in three other ways: relationship dependency, emotional dependency, or obsessive love. It is also referred to by another term, which I have used before-- addictive love. If you would like to read my previous post, click here!   This video talks about things I didn't get to touch on, such as the Love Attitude Scale , which is something both interesting and, I think, important as it is supposed to be able to tell a person if they are codependen...

Many people outside of an abusive relationship often don't understand why a victim doesn't just leave. I have covered the topic of exactly why it isn't always as simple as breaking up-- or moving out in the case the victim is already living with their abuser-- in a former blog post ( click here! ) but today I really want to discuss in depth one of the lesser thought of factors. I mentioned in last week's post, What is the Cycle of Abuse,  that the abuse cycle can bring on something known as 'traumatic bonding.' This is something most abuse victims, myself included, fall to unknowingly.   In his book The Abusive Personality: Violence and Control in Intimate Relationships , Donald Dutton writes, "This process [traumatic bonding] is an attachment to the abuser formed by the prior power differential in the relationship coupled with intermittent abuse. The result is a powerful attachment bond that begins to operate on the abuse victim with time away from the a...

Chapter Four of The Abusive Personality: Violence and Control in Intimate Relationships  by Donald G. Dutton starts with the author looking back on past interviews, writing, "As I look now at the interview notes I took from female partners of our clients, the phrases jump off the page at me: "He's like two different people," "He's like Jekyll and Hyde," "He's completely different sometimes..."" These continue on finishing with the phrase, "He's like living on an emotional roller coaster." 'The Cycle of Violence,' or 'The Cycle of Abuse,' was something I learned about after leaving my abusive ex. And it is something I want to share more because I remember thinking "This explains so much."  The chart to the right is one of the more detailed versions of this cycle which can be seen in three stages-- occasionally more, but these three encompass the big points. These stages explain what the auth...

I hope everyone is having a fantastic week! I have decided this year that I want to branch out a little in my blog and while the focus will still stay on teen dating abuse and domestic violence, I want to touch on topics such as mental health and my own life as I move forward as a survivor. 2019 marks my third year out of an abusive relationship, but more importantly, it marks my third year of building myself up and becoming more confident. This year, I think my word is decidedly confidence -- and it's shown up a few times in just these first few weeks. Even three years out of the relationship with my abuser, there are still lingering wounds. One of these has been affecting me for far too long and I finally found it within myself to address it. Something my abuser used to do very often was threaten to leave me whenever he was slightly upset with me. While he sadly never carried through on this threat, it really managed to tear me down. I would look at the years I put into th...

The New Year is always an incredibly exciting time, both to look forward to the future and reflect on the past. 2018 was such a big year for my platform, Speak Up Stand Tall, and I'd really like to look back on all the amazing things I've been able to do and be part of. First of all, last year in February I started this blog! And it got a lot of things moving. Because of my blogging, I was able to see the need for people like myself to speak out or risk being silenced. I also saw how much support poured in to lift me up in some of the darkest moments. With my actual speaking program, I was able to talk to so many wonderful teens! The first of these was at the Clarksville Public Library on May 3rd. This was so important as I saw which areas of my program I wanted to build on and this helped exponentially when I spoke at the Clarksville Department of Parks and Recreation's summer programs! Those were by far the largest groups I have seen so far, and while I was incredibly...

One thing I think is really important to spreading awareness about teen dating abuse-- or any  abuse --  is not just sharing one story. Abuse comes in many forms and every case is different. Sometimes, that makes it hard for people, especially teenagers, to understand what is happening to them is abuse. I have mentioned before that a lot of people, myself included at a young age, think that an abuser is someone who inflicts physical damage such as slapping or punching. However, the truth is that abuse comes in a wide variety of hateful behaviors. Physical abuse, emotional/mental abuse, verbal abuse, digital abuse, and sexual abuse. While I have described my experience dealing with all of these, it hardly covers the topic. As I said, every case is different. I've talked to other survivors and we all have different stories, usually with some commonalities, but never exactly the same. There is no sheet to show 'this is exactly what abuse looks like.' Sometim...

Factors such as pop culture have portrayed overbearing love, a toxic picture that is incredibly impressionable. Addictive love, according to In Love and in Danger: A Teen's Guide to Breaking Free of Relationship Abuse, is one of two possibilities in a blooming romantic relationship that can lead to real trouble. While author Barrie Levy MSW notes that every relationship experiencing addictive love is not abusive, there is a much higher risk that it will become abusive. These relationships are defined by controlling behaviors, and the addiction is visible from both sides. Are you suffering from addictive love?  If you believe you cannot live without your significant other, you are suffering from addictive love. You might be hurt, and you might miss your boyfriend or girlfriend if they were gone, but you would be able to move forward. A belief that you cannot live without another person is unhealthy for you and your significant other and can lead to codependen...

I believe the more stories one can hear about teen dating violence/abuse, the more aware one can be. Briana Neben explains her own journey through abuse when she was a teenager to the point where she realized she needed to get away from her abuser. Though she was in an abusive household, Neben wasn't able to see her own abusive situation until a friend approached her. Neben speaks mainly about prevention-- how parents and community members can help teens not fall victim to dating abuse by raising awareness and having those awkward conversations. She also talks about the importance of positive affirmation for one's self, and ends with 'end the cycle of teen dating violence.' Please take time to watch this amazing speaker and please take a moment to share what you've heard. You never know who you might help. If you know any organization (scouts, church, etc.) that would like to have me speak on Teen Dating Abuse, please contact me through my website here with y...

I cannot begin to say how many people said I needed to 'just move on' after I broke up with my abuser. I think it's a common mistake of people who have never been in an abusive relationship to think that if you are still dealing with the effects of abuse that you aren't over the relationship at all. Personally, I didn't miss my abuser once he was gone. Whenever someone told me to 'move on' I told them I had, that I had no intention of looking back and that my abuser-- quite plainly-- disgusted me. I didn't want him back in my life, and while I didn't want to think of him, I was having anxiety that manifested into an incredible amount of paranoia and fear. Sometimes these feeling would come out of nowhere, and sometimes they were triggered. For nearly a month, I could hardly eat anything without feeling sick. I was suffering from PTSD, or post-traumatic stress disorder, because of what my abuser put me through. Yet there were still people telling me t...

Whenever I read about the period after an abusive relationship, I always see something about health and how you should make it a larger priority in your life. In the article Healing After Abuse by PsychCentral it says, "You will feel less dependent on abusive people when you can recognize your own needs and take care of them... This is the time to nourish your body with healthy food and exercise." I think that this is an incredibly important thing to point out, especially because of what I personally went through during and after my relationship with my abuser. I do think that the wording is a bit off in this article, though-- I don't think it's the lack of recognition of needs, but the ability to see it's time to take care of yourself rather than focus on what your abuser wants from you. You no longer have to account for your abuser's opinion, you no longer have to worry about your abuser asking who you're trying to look good for if you start taking car...

According to LoveIsRespect.org , the definition of sexual coercion is "the act of using pressure, alcohol or drugs, or force to have sexual contact with someone against his or her will and includes persistent attempts to have sexual contact with someone who has already refused.” Sexual coercion is something that isn't always talked about and something that is a big problem. We all know the phrases 'no means no' and 'yes means yes,' but do we really talk about yes under duress? As LoveisRespect.org goes on to say, "in a relationship where sexual coercion is occurring, there is a lack of consent." Coercion can be used in other forms as well, in making women stay with their abuser or dropping charges, but I feel that sexual coercion is something that teenagers go through more and are unaware of. At sixteen, seventeen, eighteen-- who knows the term sexual coercion? "It's a mixture manipulation, sweet talk, begging, blackmail, demanding sex ...

This week I found myself looking through videos on youtube out of curiosity. I was really wondering if I shared a platform with any Miss America preliminary winners-- and I found two!  Miss Tuscaloosa's Outstanding Teen 2018, Laura Grace Henry, at the age of fifteen is already speaking up on the behalf of family members and friends to say how parents may miss the issue of teen dating violence/abuse. This one is much more recent than I first thought, and it is wonderful to see someone so young already know the signs and how to avoid any kind of situation that could turn abusive. Moreover, she's in a position to really help the teenagers around her and I think that is incredible.  The second video is older by a few years. Miss Uintah County 2013, Rylee Harris, spoke on teen dating abuse as her platform. She had a personal experience with it, and I really found hers impactful to myself. I was still in a relationship with my abuser in 2013, and I have to won...

As some of you might know, I participated in the Miss Austin Peay/Miss Queen City pageant that happened on Saturday the 22nd. I had a blast meeting so many new faces and seeing some again for a second time. Pageants really are a wonderful thing to bring young women together, but they are also a way to shine lights on topics close to our hearts. The Miss America foundation promotes service and platforms that the contestants bring with them. Our current Miss America, Nia Franklin, has the platform of "Advocating for the Arts" and has since teamed with  Sing for Hope which you can learn more about here . My own platform, as you may have guessed, is Speak Up Stand Tall Against Teen Dating Abuse . During the course of Saturday night, I was able to not only speak to the crowd but some of the contestants about what I did within the community as well as my own experience with teen dating abuse. I was met with great acceptance and praise-- and I even won the inaugural Doug Barber...

Emma Murphy isn't an example of teen dating abuse, but she is a survivor of domestic violence-- and her story tells so much of speaking up against abuse. That's why I want to share it. I've talked before in one of my first blog posts, Grow Flowers Raise Voices , but it's about time to talk about it again. As Murphy says in her video, "We all know of somebody who has been through domestic violence," and that makes talking about it all the more important. People who are going through this need to hear a voice of encouragement, to know things get better, and to know it is time to leave their abuser behind. So once again, I want to call out to any other survivors to raise your voices with me. Our stories can  make a difference-- and I have seen the results. We have the power behind us, to help those are still victims and to make those around us aware so they'll see the signs before falling into an abusive relationship. Remember: the first step to preven...

I've always been someone who likes the visuals of videos, so while I'm getting prepared for my pageant and getting into the swing of school, I thought I'd finally show this one! It was made by NoMore.org which is a website campaigning against sexual assault and domestic violence-- it has several good resources I look forward to reading and sharing in the future. One of the things in this video that really stuck out to me was the actual title "It's Just Stress." I feel like that is such a common excuse made for abusers-- they're stressed, of course they're acting like this. In the video, the girl says something along the lines of 'his coaches push him, his parents push him, his teachers push him-- so he pushes me.' I remember thinking similar things, though this video does handle more aggressive physical abuse than I was subject to. I remember thinking 'he's being mean to me because he's angry with his parents' or his teache...