Speak Up. Stand Tall.

One thing I think is really important to spreading awareness about teen dating abuse-- or any  abuse --  is not just sharing one story. Abuse comes in many forms and every case is different. Sometimes, that makes it hard for people, especially teenagers, to understand what is happening to them is abuse. I have mentioned before that a lot of people, myself included at a young age, think that an abuser is someone who inflicts physical damage such as slapping or punching. However, the truth is that abuse comes in a wide variety of hateful behaviors. Physical abuse, emotional/mental abuse, verbal abuse, digital abuse, and sexual abuse. While I have described my experience dealing with all of these, it hardly covers the topic. As I said, every case is different. I've talked to other survivors and we all have different stories, usually with some commonalities, but never exactly the same. There is no sheet to show 'this is exactly what abuse looks like.' Sometim...

Factors such as pop culture have portrayed overbearing love, a toxic picture that is incredibly impressionable. Addictive love, according to In Love and in Danger: A Teen's Guide to Breaking Free of Relationship Abuse, is one of two possibilities in a blooming romantic relationship that can lead to real trouble. While author Barrie Levy MSW notes that every relationship experiencing addictive love is not abusive, there is a much higher risk that it will become abusive. These relationships are defined by controlling behaviors, and the addiction is visible from both sides. Are you suffering from addictive love?  If you believe you cannot live without your significant other, you are suffering from addictive love. You might be hurt, and you might miss your boyfriend or girlfriend if they were gone, but you would be able to move forward. A belief that you cannot live without another person is unhealthy for you and your significant other and can lead to codependen...

I believe the more stories one can hear about teen dating violence/abuse, the more aware one can be. Briana Neben explains her own journey through abuse when she was a teenager to the point where she realized she needed to get away from her abuser. Though she was in an abusive household, Neben wasn't able to see her own abusive situation until a friend approached her. Neben speaks mainly about prevention-- how parents and community members can help teens not fall victim to dating abuse by raising awareness and having those awkward conversations. She also talks about the importance of positive affirmation for one's self, and ends with 'end the cycle of teen dating violence.' Please take time to watch this amazing speaker and please take a moment to share what you've heard. You never know who you might help. If you know any organization (scouts, church, etc.) that would like to have me speak on Teen Dating Abuse, please contact me through my website here with y...

I cannot begin to say how many people said I needed to 'just move on' after I broke up with my abuser. I think it's a common mistake of people who have never been in an abusive relationship to think that if you are still dealing with the effects of abuse that you aren't over the relationship at all. Personally, I didn't miss my abuser once he was gone. Whenever someone told me to 'move on' I told them I had, that I had no intention of looking back and that my abuser-- quite plainly-- disgusted me. I didn't want him back in my life, and while I didn't want to think of him, I was having anxiety that manifested into an incredible amount of paranoia and fear. Sometimes these feeling would come out of nowhere, and sometimes they were triggered. For nearly a month, I could hardly eat anything without feeling sick. I was suffering from PTSD, or post-traumatic stress disorder, because of what my abuser put me through. Yet there were still people telling me t...

Whenever I read about the period after an abusive relationship, I always see something about health and how you should make it a larger priority in your life. In the article Healing After Abuse by PsychCentral it says, "You will feel less dependent on abusive people when you can recognize your own needs and take care of them... This is the time to nourish your body with healthy food and exercise." I think that this is an incredibly important thing to point out, especially because of what I personally went through during and after my relationship with my abuser. I do think that the wording is a bit off in this article, though-- I don't think it's the lack of recognition of needs, but the ability to see it's time to take care of yourself rather than focus on what your abuser wants from you. You no longer have to account for your abuser's opinion, you no longer have to worry about your abuser asking who you're trying to look good for if you start taking car...

According to LoveIsRespect.org , the definition of sexual coercion is "the act of using pressure, alcohol or drugs, or force to have sexual contact with someone against his or her will and includes persistent attempts to have sexual contact with someone who has already refused.” Sexual coercion is something that isn't always talked about and something that is a big problem. We all know the phrases 'no means no' and 'yes means yes,' but do we really talk about yes under duress? As LoveisRespect.org goes on to say, "in a relationship where sexual coercion is occurring, there is a lack of consent." Coercion can be used in other forms as well, in making women stay with their abuser or dropping charges, but I feel that sexual coercion is something that teenagers go through more and are unaware of. At sixteen, seventeen, eighteen-- who knows the term sexual coercion? "It's a mixture manipulation, sweet talk, begging, blackmail, demanding sex ...

This week I found myself looking through videos on youtube out of curiosity. I was really wondering if I shared a platform with any Miss America preliminary winners-- and I found two!  Miss Tuscaloosa's Outstanding Teen 2018, Laura Grace Henry, at the age of fifteen is already speaking up on the behalf of family members and friends to say how parents may miss the issue of teen dating violence/abuse. This one is much more recent than I first thought, and it is wonderful to see someone so young already know the signs and how to avoid any kind of situation that could turn abusive. Moreover, she's in a position to really help the teenagers around her and I think that is incredible.  The second video is older by a few years. Miss Uintah County 2013, Rylee Harris, spoke on teen dating abuse as her platform. She had a personal experience with it, and I really found hers impactful to myself. I was still in a relationship with my abuser in 2013, and I have to won...

As some of you might know, I participated in the Miss Austin Peay/Miss Queen City pageant that happened on Saturday the 22nd. I had a blast meeting so many new faces and seeing some again for a second time. Pageants really are a wonderful thing to bring young women together, but they are also a way to shine lights on topics close to our hearts. The Miss America foundation promotes service and platforms that the contestants bring with them. Our current Miss America, Nia Franklin, has the platform of "Advocating for the Arts" and has since teamed with  Sing for Hope which you can learn more about here . My own platform, as you may have guessed, is Speak Up Stand Tall Against Teen Dating Abuse . During the course of Saturday night, I was able to not only speak to the crowd but some of the contestants about what I did within the community as well as my own experience with teen dating abuse. I was met with great acceptance and praise-- and I even won the inaugural Doug Barber...

Emma Murphy isn't an example of teen dating abuse, but she is a survivor of domestic violence-- and her story tells so much of speaking up against abuse. That's why I want to share it. I've talked before in one of my first blog posts, Grow Flowers Raise Voices , but it's about time to talk about it again. As Murphy says in her video, "We all know of somebody who has been through domestic violence," and that makes talking about it all the more important. People who are going through this need to hear a voice of encouragement, to know things get better, and to know it is time to leave their abuser behind. So once again, I want to call out to any other survivors to raise your voices with me. Our stories can  make a difference-- and I have seen the results. We have the power behind us, to help those are still victims and to make those around us aware so they'll see the signs before falling into an abusive relationship. Remember: the first step to preven...

I've always been someone who likes the visuals of videos, so while I'm getting prepared for my pageant and getting into the swing of school, I thought I'd finally show this one! It was made by NoMore.org which is a website campaigning against sexual assault and domestic violence-- it has several good resources I look forward to reading and sharing in the future. One of the things in this video that really stuck out to me was the actual title "It's Just Stress." I feel like that is such a common excuse made for abusers-- they're stressed, of course they're acting like this. In the video, the girl says something along the lines of 'his coaches push him, his parents push him, his teachers push him-- so he pushes me.' I remember thinking similar things, though this video does handle more aggressive physical abuse than I was subject to. I remember thinking 'he's being mean to me because he's angry with his parents' or his teache...

I remember my first talk with a group of teenagers that wasn't just girls. There weren't many boys, maybe three or four, but when I gave statistics about women in abusive situations, I got questions I hadn't really expected: what about men? At the time, I wasn't very sure. Most places didn't give the number of men abused, or else said that it wasn't very clear as men don't report as often. Still, I felt bad that I wasn't able to give anything clear and decided from there on to try to give a better overall look at abuse, further including that facts about abuse against men. Did you know where 1 in 3 women are abused physically, the statistic is nearly the same with 1 in 4 men?  The National Coalition Against Domestic Violence (NCADV)  website provides statistics such as this on both men and women. When I looked for more sources on domestic violence / abuse against men, a few different websites that it wasn't always easy to identify-- but all of th...

As those of you who know me personally might know, I recently started going regularly to a new church. I don't know what made this one stick, having gone to different churches before. I like the style of the services, how the pastor sticks with a certain lesson throughout. I like how community-oriented the church is, something I felt was missing from my old home church. There were places I could see myself fitting in-- and I have taken the steps to join into my new church, and am so grateful to have a place in the teen leadership. But last Sunday, the pastor said some things while talking about First Peter Chapter Two, a lesson called 'There is Purpose in our Pain.' If you want to hear the full sermon, please check it out here -- it's really good-- but my main focus is on what my pastor said about abuse . I can say with certainty, I have never heard a church take such a strong and outspoken stand on this topic-- in fact, a stance on abuse is why I left a church in t...

While working on my post for next week, I came across this video on the Youtube Channel Psych2Go. While I talked about Gaslighting on my blog before, I thought coming back to it might be a good idea-- and this video highlights some things I did not go over in my post which you can find here ! As Psych2Go says, "anyone is susceptible to gaslighting, and it is a common technique of abusers, dictators, narcissists, and cult leaders." Gaslighting is a cruel and often undetected form of mental and emotional abuse, and it's not always easily spotted. Please take a few minutes to watch this video, and if you haven't already, go read my post on gaslighting! It's a topic I got to know personally, and something I hope to help prevent in others' lives. On a more personal note-- I'm excited to say I will start working with the teen group at my new church! This is a great opportunity to let teenagers know about abuse and help those who might be going through abuse ...

Breakups are hard no matter which way you look at it. No one ever wants to break someone's heart, or walk away from time invested in a relationship. However, breakups usually aren't a threat to your personal safety and your life. In my post Mythbusting Abuse: Is it Easy to Leave? I talked about the significant risk to a woman's safety after a breakup. Post-breakup, according to JoinOneLove.org, is the most dangerous period for an abused woman. In fact, the likelihood of being killed in the weeks after the breakup is 70%.  "Intimate" Violence Against Women raises those weeks to two years in cases where the victim lived with her abuser. We see proof of this danger in the news, on shows like Dateline, all the time. So today, I want to talk about safely breaking up, and what to do after a breakup to stay safe . Form a Support System When I broke up with my abuser, it was something that wasn't planned. I hadn't talked to anyone to let them know, but as...

When someone is in an abusive relationship, it is easy to feel alone and like there is no help or hope. Sometimes people simply do not know where to look. While calling 9-1-1 seems to be the most likely solution (and something I highly support),  The Hotline  did a survey of abused women which stated that  4/5 women were afraid of calling the police . Some areas-- such as that of the Pickens County Georgia Sheriff's Office and the State of Tennessee-- are trying to lessen that fear by releasing videos such as the two shared here. However, there are other places to reach out to or to use for help if you are one of those 4/5 that does not want to involve the police. The Hotline is one of the best resources for victims of domestic/intimate abuse, along with its sister site Love is Respect which is aimed more towards teenagers and young adults, as well as parents and friends of those that may be involved in an abusive relationship. Both of these websites have onli...

Domestic violence is the leading cause of injury to women in the United States. Almost half of all men and women in the United States have been victim to psychological abuse in an intimate relationship. It doesn't matter who you are, domestic violence-- which is not always physical-- can happen to anyone . Today, I wanted to share Lizzie Glazer's TedTalk. While she mainly speaks about a situation within a marriage, this information is relevant for any intimate, or even familial, abuse. I urge you to take a few minutes to watch this video and learn about the effects of psychological and verbal abuse.

Spirituality is something that a lot of people hold very close. As a Christian, this is a true statement of myself. My faith was something I never thought would be used against me, especially not by someone I cared about, but it easily was. Faith and words of the Bible can be easily be manipulated to be used against someone. As  'A Place of Hope' puts it, "Spiritual abuse is the intentional misrepresentation of a spiritual truth for unspiritual reasons, such as greed, manipulation, injustice, hatred, or spite." While spiritual abuse is more often seen being used by authorities of a church or cults, it can also be seen in intimate relationships and can be linked in with any form of abuse-- emotional, physical, or sexual. In the abusive relationship I was in, it seemed like faith was often held against me. Using a list of spiritually abusive behaviors given by The Hotline , I will attempt to bring light to what this abuse can look like in an intimate relationship...

In last week's blog post, I decided to share a video by TedTalk featuring Dina McMillan titled 'Unmasking the Abuser.' It was about being able to spot a possible abuser before beginning a relationship or early into it. While I think the video explained itself very well, I found myself wanting to touch on something that spoke very true to me. McMillan touched on a three-point system to help someone identify a possible abusive partner. These were: Too Much, Too Soon, and Transforming. McMillan talks about these as a form of psychological manipulation, which is an incredibly scary form of abuse. Too Much . McMillian notes that this means too many compliments, too many gifts, too much togetherness, too many promises, and too much talk about the future. It's someone new coming into your life and suddenly becoming all of your life. I was in eighth grade when I began dating my abuser, and this is exactly what happened. He was texting me constantly, gave me pictures and pass...

This week, I really wanted to share Dina McMillan's Ted Talk on Unmasking the Abuser . Having talked with men who abuse their partners, she has a lot to say on what to look out for in order to completely prevent an abusive relationship from starting. Using the points of Too Much, Too Soon, and Transformation, McMillan really makes her point known. I can see a lot of what happened to me in what she describes in the video. If you know any organization (scouts, church, etc.) that would like to have me speak on Teen Dating Abuse, please contact me through my website  here  with your email address. To keep up with updates on this blog please feel free to hit the subscribe button in the top right corner to be alerted to new posts every Monday. Have something you would like to know more about in the future? Leave a comment and I'll do my best to answer right away! Remember, the first step in solving the problem of teen dating abuse is awareness!

It seems like a lot of people assume that after an abusive relationship ends, that's it. The bad time is over and the victim turned survivor can easily move forward in the world, unburdened. However, abuse of any kind-- emotional, physical, and/or sexual can leave behind deep scars that take time to heal, whether that time is a few months or several years. Using the book  In Love and In Danger: A Teen's Guide to Breaking Free of Abusive Relationships  by Barrie Levy, MSW, I will go over some of the ways that abuse can leave scars on survivors. Physical Scars . This was not something I personally endured, however, several victims of abuse do walk away having suffered scars whether they are healing or permanent. Bruises, broken bones, or even permanent disability are only some of the possibilities of harm caused by abusers. Neglected Appearance. When in an abusive relationship, it is common for the victim to neglect their appearance. This was something I did thr...